Cerebral fluid drips on my keyboard.

2003-06-23T23:32:00.000-07:00

for the time being I've switched over to the darkside. I'm paying $25 to be a xanga whore. please update your links as such. thank you and have a nice day.

2003-05-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to believe that one day, when I die, God will ask me....

"It matters not what sins or kindness you have committed, my son. I have but one simple question to ask you. If you can answer this question, then you will be admitted into heaven and spend the rest of eternity in happiness and bliss."

"Yes God, I will answer anything to be able to enter the house of the Lord."

"Very well........Remember how that one day you were trying to write your program for your data structures class? Please tell me how to implement a linked stack to perform a preorder traversal of the tree without using recursion."

"You first have to.....uh.....uh........crap."

And that, my friend, is why I have to stop shitting around and continue studying. Well, that and the fact that I have 2 exams(again) this Wednesday. God is merciful, God is powerful, God has a funny sense of humor.

2003-05-03T16:09:00.000-07:00

The night bled into the late morning, coagulating into a state of confusion as I went from unrestful sleep to restless wakefulness. It's difficult to descrie the sense of dread as you remember that time neither stops nor slows down when you fall asleep but slowly ticks away. Like a terroristic bomb, you're one step closer to indiscriminate destruction, but unaware of the exactly when or how fierce the hurt will come. I'm five years old again, I just broke my mother's favorite vase, and I'm waiting for the sound of the garage door opening to signal that she's come home.

My boss dangled the carrot of upward mobility in my face again today. Movement that was strongly hinted six months ago and was supposed to come to fruition halfway between then and now. I feel as if I might have insulted her, or in the least, worried her when I showed a complete lack of emotion. But how can I be expected to feign excitement when the reality of it is that the position itself may not even materialize for months? Why would I want to be promoted upwards in a job that was originally only supposed to last the better end of the holidays and pays just enough to afford me extra sprinkles on my dollar-menu sundae at the end of the month? For fuck's sake, without coming off sounding high and mighty, I'm better than this....this....situation. I swear to God if I get promoted, I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to pour myself a shot of concentrated sulfuric acid from my newly bought car battery that I could hardly afford, toast it to my new position, and bottoms up to the consequent future it entails. Chase it with a lemon wedge, both to mask the taste and add insult to injury. Sit back, relax, and wonder why the burning sensation doesn't secede while dreaming of the days when the fruits of happiness were not so hard to come by.

Floating back to a steadily loosening grasp of my-so-called reality, there were fortunately two glimmers of dark tunnelled light casting shadows on my otherwise cold and rainy fri.....day.

3:21PM - During the tail end of my lunchbreak, I was outside puffing on a square and a small old lady, you know the kind with the big overly curled white old lady hair walked out the door. She must have been at least 70 or 80, and was on her way to the car with her friend, also of similar age and stature. As she got closer, I could see the deep, deep wrinkles on her face, signs of the long road she was walked down. I assumed she would walk right past me, ignoring me because of her disposition towards young hooligans, loitering around, smoking cigarettes and looking for trouble. Instead, she looked at me from her weathered face with a pair of striking crystal blue eyes, said in a quiet old lady voice "Hello.", and cracked the the nicest, most sincere smile that I have seen in a while. It was one of those fancy full face smiles, enhanced by the lines on her skin and you could tell that she was really feeling it, not just being a passing courtesy. It was all I could do to blurt out a weak "Hi." as she passed by, going about her old lady business.

9:36 PM - Duckie called me while I was studying at Borders. There was a lot of noise in the background and I assumed she was at a club or something. She said she was doing sound setup for some big 3-day rock concert going on in Nashville. She was standing just offstage and was totally stoked because at that very moment John Mayer was performing his set on stage. She then held the phone out and let me listen to a live rendition, complete with screaming audience, of "Your Body is a Wonderland". The quality of cell-to-cell reception was horrendous and I could only just make out the tune, let alone the words, but I would say that being at a concert "almost-firsthand" is "almost as good" as being there in person. The novelty of it is, at least. Fangs again Duckie.

2003-04-10T10:23:00.000-07:00

red bull is my new saviour. although it still couldn't save me from passsing out for 5 hrs last nite. now i can kiss my program due today....goodbye.

2003-03-31T15:02:00.000-08:00

Through my keen lack of foresight, and also as a testament to my academic acuity, I just found out today that we have a pop exam in two days. Not a quiz, mind you, but an exam. Technically, the 'pop' classification is only relevant for me because the rest of the class knew it was coming. Most likely because the attend class regularly. Had I been the prodigal student, I would have been ready for it the first week of school. This is a test. This is only a test. I only have five hundred other things I need to get done on Wednesday as well, so what's another exam? I keep telling myself that if it doesn't kill me it makes me stronger, but if I don't ace this test, it will be the life of me.

Sometimes I think that I am devolving. All the things I learned in school is no help at all with my studying habits today. It's as if the student portion of my being was sloughed off right after I graduated like the layers of epidermis on a second-degree burn victim at the ICU. And it will never heal. Without laying blame on the increase in responsibilities that goes along with getting older( which can be simply summed up as 'paying the bills') I feel that there is a simple, albeit unattainable, solution.

The answer is based on the the old world invention known as a chastity belt. I need to find a mental version that keeps my mind in check and doesn't let it focus off the task at hand.

I remember in first and second grade, every semester, the teachers wrote the same things on my report card. "Jason has a lot of potential, but he is a daydreamer." It's not even been two decades and already my life is coming around full circle. Perhaps the circle could also hark a new beginning? I need horse blinders or a perscription to Ritalin. I have no doubt that I suffer from a documentable illness that borders on (in descending order of severity) ADHD, OCD, mood swings and multiple personality all at the same time.

2003-03-30T03:51:00.000-08:00

oops. she does it again. gah, i'm so attracted to that girl. after having another drink with her after work and finding out that she's more than just a very pretty face, she has substance. currently though, her abundance of male suitors, as well as her current beau, precludes me from any chance i have to take in that direction lest i cross that not-so-fine line between friend and fiend. i enjoy the fact that we can be comfortable with each other, both fully conscious and aware that there exists a mutual attraction. An attraction that, unfortunately, is just that; a flirtatious exchange of glances and compliments, that can't lead to anywhere but a mild sexual frustration at the night's conclusion.

again, maybe a large part of the reason i am drawn to her is the fact that i can't have her. it's the old adage of grass being greener on the other side. i know that since she is, at this moment, unavailable, there is no pressure to impress, no reason to sweat, and whatever I say doesn't affect at all the chances that I have with her. The cadence of my conversations have little bearing and I can say whatever strikes my fancy, knowing full well that some of it will be misinterpreted and may surprise or offend.

I reason with myself that I am already fully engaged with other, more important things, to occupy my time and thus should have no need or want for another distraction(in this case, of the feminine variety) to jockey for the few hours I have left in the day. But alas, the carnal animal in me still pines for the company and intimacy that nothing but another individual brings into the picture. I am still an ape, and still somewhat of a social creature.

I regret the one mistake I made when I told her to start up a blog, and that was that not only did I point her in the direction of xanga.com, but inadvertently gave her this blog address as well. Ideally, she will have lost the address to this blog, and i will still have a safe bastion to write about people who will never realize how i think of them. realistically though.........hi L, see you at work.

2003-03-27T19:28:00.000-08:00

I woke up today and I thought I was dead. I mean when you fall asleep at night, do you really know if you're gonna wake up the next day? "As I lay me down to sleep...." I'm thinking, if I am still dreaming, I wouldn't really be able to tell would I? I mean if I know I'm lucid dreaming, I can make myself fly or do other things that transcend scientific explanation. But if I don't even know, how can I test it? If I prick myself, it will still hurt because it's supposed to hurt, not because it's real.

Perhaps I've died long ago, and this dream is everlasting. It's a story that will go on forever. Does it make things less real? Does it make things less important? Yes. It does. So what does anything matter anymore?

I don't know how the war is going. I stopped watching 4 hrs/day of news 2 days ago. I have a short attention span. I need focus. Yes. focus.....when we get hit with something I'll prolly start watching again. The pneumonia thing scares me tho. In a way more than iraq.

work still sux.

2003-03-26T21:49:00.000-08:00

i was conversating the other day with one of my exes and she told me something i thought was pretty 'funny.'

she was telling me how she just found out that we might be distantly related. [yes i've heard it all before, make a joke and get it over with, but that's not the punchline] she said that her grandmother on her dad's side (or was it mom's side), was 1/2 chinese. And her maiden name was chan......

so then she says....

"I guess there's a little chan in me......"

Ba-dum-bump. Thank you, I'll be here all week. And don't forget to tip your waitress.

2003-03-19T13:42:00.000-08:00

And yet it has eluded me. Other issues have come up to the forefront, most immediately being the war that is starting in 3 hrs.

The bulldog threatens the rat to leave his hole.
The rat will not leave his hole and probably has rabies.

The bulldog has two choices :

1. If he attacks, he'll probably get rabies.
2. If he doesn't, he'll be labeled as a pussycat.

Yes, let's attack them. And since we're living in a dream, 3 things will happen.

1. There will be no casualties
2. They will listen to you and lay their guns down and surrender
3. There will be no retribution from the one-man-army-bombs scattered all over the world

I'll take the blue pill. No wonderland for me. I only have 3 words to say.

duck.
and.
cover.

2003-03-09T03:46:00.000-08:00

just had a nice little chat with annie shin about the joys and perils of being christian. we did not agree on many issues. in summation, christianity to her means serving god. serving god means reading the bible and learning about jesus. to me, being one with god is playing by the golden rule, supplemented by the 10 commandments as a guide. if i truly have a choice, my choice is to be the best person i can be and do the best i can to "make the world a better place". cliched, i know.

I can't form sentences right now, so here's the dialogue for posterity.

I may break it down later if the whole point point of the convo hasn't already eluded me by then.

2003-03-09T00:39:00.000-08:00

Current love situation - In my present financial and ejumacational position, i don't have the time or the money to support a full time love interest. As much as I yearn for a warm body to wake up to in the morning, and to discuss my daily goings-on during the night, I feel that the current situation I have best suits me at the moment.

That situation specifically being "flings"; a loose definition of the word describing interaction, that includes a wide variety of interactions, not just physical. Girls that I express fleeting interest in, that come and go, the ones that are not in the area for any extended period of time. Either they come visit or there's a certain perceived chemistry when I talk to them. Nothing serious(as in long-term) can happen as they just aren't here. Those 'what ifs' and 'what could be's' keep me from falling into the well of hole-in-my-heart despair. Fate or God (isn't that the same thing?) will intervene when and if the time is right. Or maybe it will just happen when it happens.

Is this just an act of faith in God that everything will turn out alright? It feels like a weight off my shoulders that I don't have to worry about it I guess. I can concentrate on the more immediate problems at hand, i.e. getting over the stumbling block of trying to do well in school. Stumbling block? More like a Great Wall.

2003-03-08T03:00:00.000-08:00

I see dead people Well, I didn't actually see them, but I'm sure they were there. I was driving back home from D&B about 20 mintues ago, and then there's a traffic jam. I'm thinking I hope it's not a roadblock, and they're stopping all the people that were drinking. A few seconds later, I look in my reaerview, and see a red&blue zoom by. A few seconds later, another one flys by. I see cars ahead of me switching lanes, and I realize it's cuz there's a pickup in our lane with his hazards on, and a few feet away, what was left of his bumper. so I change lanes, and drive past. There's broken glass strewn across five lanes of traffic. Up ahead I see the remains of what used to be a car. It's flipped completely upside down, and the hood is crushed all the way down to the door. It was like god just decided to take the car in his hand and crush it like a used dixie cup. Right next to it is a big white tarp, covering about 2 lanes.

Under this tarp, I'm guessing, are the remains of the driver and passengers of the vehicle. In a ditch nearby is another car, with serious damage to its side door panel. I pass by an ambulance with it's rear doors open, but I don't see anyone inside.

I think I missed the accident by about 5 minutes. Had I left 5 minutes earlier, it could have happened to me. In the movie final destination, the theme is that they cheated fate, and now fate is catching up to them. Perhaps fate is telling me to savor life, cuz I could have been part of the crash. I have forgotten that I should treat everyday as my last day. Make the most of what I have, so that if I die tomorrow, I can't say "There were some things I wish I could have done, but I wasted the chance." What is important in life? School? Friends? Family? A job? Spiritual peace? Helping others? Not having regret?

I feel when I find out, I can be truly happy.

2003-03-05T03:31:00.000-08:00

Holy shit. I've always wondered about this and wasted many hours arguing otherwise.

Calling soda a "pop" really is a midwest thing.

It's scientifically proven.

And some more things you've always wondered about....

2003-03-05T02:21:00.000-08:00

This happens almost every night.

At around two in the morning, I'm sitting at my desk, trying to study, with some trance music playing quietly in the background. I hear a door open outside in the hallway. Then I hear the bathroom door directly across from my room close. The toilet flushes. The faucet runs. The bathroom door opens again, and the other door closes. The same scenario is repeated, without fail, a few minutes later.

Now that could be one of two things :

1. My cousin, who sleeps in the next room, wakes up each night to go to the bathroom. He is known to have a small bladder, so this would keep him from wetting the bed at night. His girlfriend, who also sleeps in the next room at least 3 nights a week, is woken up by him moving around and getting out of bed. After relieving himself, she then follows suite, because since she's already awake, she might as well go too.
Or.......

2. They just had sex.

Gross me out.

Gross you out.

2003-03-04T23:05:00.000-08:00

From different perspectives I either have the coolest or the lamest dvd collection ever. Popular opinion will probably support the latter, but since I live in my own little world ( where peer pressure's not a bitch), I'd rather buy stuff you usually can't rent at blockbuster.

i spent $40 today purchasing :

- ringu - this is the japanese version of the ring, supposedly scarier than the version that was released in the theatres in the states. i hope so.

- american street dance championships 1 - "this is the most exciting and professional street dance competition in the world. the dancers are brilliantly inspiring. the american street dance championship is not just an event, it's a movement" - ben higa, freelance writer, xxl and rap pages. looks like a bunch of breakers strutting their stuff. should be good. i useta have another breaking video, but i lent it to someone, and he left the state. never again......my precious....

- bruce lee , jeet kune do - it says on the back that it's the first and only training film on jeet kune do ever created by bruce lee himself. could be really cool. could be just a bunch of crap pieced together to make some money. who knows. that's the beauty of buying stuff like this i guess.

other mentionables include -

- the freshest kids - history of the b-boy
- mischief 3000
- dogtown and the z-boys
- happy tree friends volume 1 : first blood
- killer klowns from outer space
- reefer madness

I think buying media is just a great big waste of money. I guess it's a status thing. having a well stocked media center is the modern day equivalent of having a room, called a study, will shelves that house back-to-back books covering every wall of the room. like that shelf area from my fair lady, or any other movie from that era.

paint me status-ized.

2003-02-27T19:28:00.000-08:00

Fred Rogers is dead. Also known as Mr. Rogers, from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. I can't believe it. Of all the people in the world, I thought if there was one person in the world that should live forever, it should be him. I almost feel like crying. I remember watching him all the time when I was a kid, the show would come on right after Sesame Street and I would always look forward to him walking in the door. I KNEW that he was gonna take a sweater from the closet, but you never knew what color it was going to be that day. He would always do that zip-up-all-the-way-then-zip-halfway-down thing. And then he'd always change his shoes and tie them. The crazy thing was that he would ALWAYS get it done before he finished singing. He was like the master of zen.

And his voice, oh his voice could entrance any ADD-psychotic child into someone that could almost be seen as normal during the course of his show. It was calm and simple, but never patronizing, and it just connected like he was talking to you and just you. I still remember watching it every once in a while in college and still be amazed that 15 years later, he was still the same good, wholesome individual that he always was.

A friend said he knew someone that met Mr. Rogers personally. They said he was exactly the person he portrayed on tv. Kind, caring, and just the perfect image of what a person should be. Articles strewn all over the web contest to this fact. It would seem that anyone being overly nice and sugary for a children's show (i.e. Barney) would elicit a backlash of hatred, but Mr. Rogers was just so obviously genuine, that it was hard not to respect him for what he did and all the things that he taught us everyday about friends, family, and how to deal with the emotions that we felt.

I don't think I can write anymore, it is so sad. Mr. Rogers, if you can hear me, I wish I could have met you, I wish I could have thanked you for everything you've taught me and made me into a better person. We all strive to be like you.

Rest in peace.

2003-02-25T21:12:00.000-08:00

Damn, this was a fun weekend. Picked up pam from the airport and the start of her spring break, and hung out with her all weekend. Went to her friend, willie's house party consisting mostly of art school people. very interesting to say the least, lots of different flavors around and a refreshing twist from the normal slant-eyed friends I hang out with all the time. Reminded me of freshman year, going to the frat parties.

Also got introduced to janice and bf joel. berkeley fokkers. maybe I'll apply there for next year. so got wasted, and ended up dancing upstairs, just me and pam. Awkward at first till I realized they people don't know me and I'll never see them again. Once you remember that, you can just let loose and not give a shit.

So the party ends and we all crash at eddie's place for the night. Wake up early the next morning, get lost driving to work, and make it there 1/2 hr late.

That nite, a little soiree with more of pam's friends(quite sad that she knows more people in Cali than I do, and she's only been here once b4). Mixed mudslides, cranberry vodkas, and peachschnapps shots. Pizza that we bought was amazingly good( It's not delivery, it's Digourno's! Played slapjack, PIG, and kings. Everyone got wasted, and we crashed at janice's place.

What did I learn?

1. Being introduced to people means you already have a bond, that bond being the introducee and at least have that relevant topic to talk about. This can be compared with meeting strangers in a club and while attempting to dance and read their body-laguage at the same time, trying to yell in their ear "Haven't I seen you from somewhere?"

2. Alcohol and people are interdependant, but not interchangeable, i.e. if the people are fun, then good times can be had with nary a drink or 3. But if the people suck, even the strongest snake-and-tiger-penis enriched rice wine from the Tang's secret basement will not make up for the lack of personality present.

And the physical evidence.

2003-02-25T21:11:00.000-08:00

2003-02-20T23:11:00.000-08:00

One less thing to worry about. I got my boxes back. My sweet beloved boxes which were sitting at my ex's place in Michigan for the past year. Left there when I came to Cali to pursue a new life. That was the last thing I had connected to her. Now I can be free and not have to suffer nightmares of my boxes being thrown off the 18th floor in a fit of jealous rage/revenge. The only caveat is that since I had them there for a year, there wasn't anything deathly important in there, so I may end up throwing 1/2 the stuff away, and after paying 200 clams to send them here. Over 100lbs worth. Prolly all sentimental stuff in there.

I was surprised to realize that, after receiving my boxes, they had conceived a child. I remember the 2 U-Haul boxes I put my stuff in, but there was a third white one from USPS. Seeing as it was different from it's parents, it was either a bastard child, or shipped incorrectly. The label was correct though, and I realized what it was. It was probably the box of 'our' stuff that she was giving back to me. How nice of her.

I knew there was nothing of great importance in the boxes I fathered, I was eager to see what treasures were hidden in mystery box #3. Ripping it open like an eager child on Christmas, I paused for a second. Unlike Christmas, this box could contain anything. Besides the basic pictures and stuff, there could possibly be something I would never think of. It could contain all our pictures we ever took, and everything I ever gave her. I think that would have hurt more than anything else and on so many levels. On the other side, it could be something retaliatory, like a big rotting steak, or something similarly evil, to testify without words how she still thinks of me. Being a pessimist means you are never surprised by the worst because you are expecting it. So I take a sniff, and after confirming the absence of rancid meat, I open it up.

It contains:

- some old clothes of mine she used to wear
- my old Funktion shoes
- a 1st generation GameBoy
- a NeoGeo Pocket that I gave her
- 3 stuffed animals
- a bag of dice
- a bag of safety pins
- a House of Pain tape, copyright 1992
- a staple gun
- Mario Kart for GBA + manuals
- a cash box with random coinage

It also contains 2 other things. One of them is my blanket. My blanket? My velvety, soft, red, striped terrycloth blanket that I've had since the beginning of school. My favoritest blanket. There was this time last summer when I went back to HK, and she said whenever she was sad, she'd wrap herself in my blanket, think about me and be able smell my scent on the blanket as if I was there. So I let her keep it after I moved here cuz I knew we were gonna see each other again soon, and eventually get married. I guess it's just dumb luck that she either really didn't want it at her place, or she didn't know how much it meant to me.

The other thing was a letter from her. Having not talked to her in 3 months, I was anxious to see what, if anything, she had to say. Our last 3 convos started out great, but about 5 minutes into every conversation, it degraded into a arguing-fighting-as-if-we-were-still-going-out dialogue. From a how-are-you-doing to a i-still-won't-ever-forget-how-you-made-me-feel. So I tear it open and read it. It reads pretty light, like one of those friends that you have known for a long time but never got to know well. Definitely a hugging friend, as opposed to a handshake friend, but not the type of hug that says "Damn, I am SO glad to see you, missed you while you were gone", more like "Hey, it's been a while, how you been?" A little bit distant, and the letter ends with "If you ever leave the country or anything, let me know =)"

It was not what I was expecting, but would it have been any better whether I expected more or less? I don't think so. I know we can't/won't be together again, but I still get get that fuzzy warm feeling of the times we did spend together. I liken to having my heart be composed of multiple compartments. It houses all the loves/lusts/longings of every girl I've ever known in separate drawers that are lined up in rows stretching out into infinity. New rows get added all the time, and I move on past the old rows, but I know they'll always be there, and I can go back to them every once in a while when I need the comfort in remembering that the world is more than just a cold, dark, lonely place.

~song playing on extended repeat - "Lullaby" by Shawn Mullins

2003-02-20T19:50:00.000-08:00

There's this new reality show coming out called Married by America. They take 10 strangers, pair them up(chosen by the viewers), and give them 6 weeks to plan their wedding. It's a slippery slope that I see us falling down. Eventually I can see us hitting something sharp, putting an eye out, and then that will be the end of the Bachelor-Fear-Factor-Survivoresque era of television. I can totally see them taking the next relationship series into the next realm, with a 'Finding Your Fuck-Buddy - Casual Encounters'. A group of people meet and have a giant orgy, but the catch is they're wearing masks. After sex they all go on dates, and try to figure out who was the one with the longest endurance, or who farted during orgasm. 6 months later, a follow up show called "Who's Yo Baby's Daddy? - Reunion Special" will be airing but by then, nobody will want to watch that because they'll all be watching that show where - they take 10 strangers, pair them up(chosen by the viewers)........and have kids. Experience all the trials and tribulations of morning sickness, mood swings, and 16-hr marathon childbirth. Don't forget to watch the special episode where they get to choose the sex of their child which will be shown during the sweeps.

I can't wait.

*counting up spare change to save up a vcr*

2003-02-20T19:08:00.000-08:00

Searching for answers. In a brief moment of lucidity last night, I made another step of progress in my own self-discovery. I call it my personal universal theory of everything. Blatantly stolen from the scientific version of the same name, my hope is that this theory can explain my life, everything in it and how I should live it. It should explain and control everything that I do, allowing me to grow spiritually, intellectually, and financially. Sort of like the ten commandements of my life. As simplified as it sounds, I feel that there's an answer out there, a grand panacea that will solve all my problems. Almost like a plug-and-play scenario. Some of the issues it will address are:

1. Body/Mind - The flesh is weak, but the mind is strong. Is it strong enough to overcome any obstacle, no matter how great? Or will I snap one day and just start showering everyone in the classroom with 9mm steel tips? I can make my urge to smoke go away if I think about it hard enough. I can stay awake all night and do work if there's a deadline in the morning. But the question is, can I still do the same thing, make myself feel the same way, if there is no deadline?

2. Soul - There's something missing in my life. Sometimes I think it's because I don't have a female counterpart to make me complete. Which is just bullshit. As happy as I am when I am with them, they are the (and I know this is a shit simile) air - conditioning in my car.....I don't have a/c in my car. As luxurious and comfortable as it would be when I need it, I can live without it. Life still goes on. So I turn to myself. If I was Xtian, I'd ask Jesus for help. But unless that Jesus has a last name, I don't think I'd be meeting him anytime soon. Maybe the answer lies in Buddhism, like the zen master being totally at peace with everything.

3. Time - It doesn't stop.... but you can make it count. A tired cliche, I know, but one that is heard and rarely done. Time optimization is the issue. Reading faster? Doing faster? Sleeping less? Priority of issues? I think the answer is out there and I just haven't stumbled onto it yet.

I think all the answers are in front of my face, but I just don't realize it. Now, at least I know there are questions. The next step is to find out what those questions are, and I can just feel that once that is done, all the pieces will just come together.

2003-02-19T15:51:00.000-08:00

Slumber party. It sure is fun falling asleep in class. The teacher is my spirit guide and when I hear his words, I think about something and before I know it, I'm dreaming. Then I abruptly wake up, scared that I did something stupid while I was asleep like snore, drool, fart, or anything else that would make it seem like the teacher's voice is nothing but an intense tranquilizer dart.

Things I fell asleep in class doing today:

- writing a word that the teacher is saying, dreaming about writing that word, only to wake up and find it's :
a. a completely different word ~ 4 times
b. only half written and then a line trailing down the page ~3 times
c. it's totally illegible but at the time it seemed fine ~ 4 times
- pen pressed against the forehead as though in deep thought rather than deep sleep ~3 times
- head nod - like a narcoleptic, catching yourself just before it's too obvious you're dozing ~10 times
- head nod #2 - more like a 1/2 slacked version, sucking up the drool before it drips on my pants ~2 times

Lucky I technically only had 1 full class today, since the other 2 I had exams in. Thus one of the excuses for staying up all night. I forgot how hard it is to stay awake when you're sitting down in lecture. Pre and post-lecture is fine since you're walking around, but once the teacher starts talking, it's like someone putting a plastic bag over my head and I can't control myself as I slowly asphyxiate under the monotonous drone. It's just like how all the teachers talk in Charlie Brown. Wawaaawaawaaa waa waaawawaa. You hear it, but it doesn't really mean anything, and all you can do it copy it down in hopes you can later on, when you study for the midterm, you can decipher what they said as well as the secret language you yourself scribbled it in.

And now I get to go to work. Woop-dee-fucking-doo._---_____----

2003-02-19T15:07:00.000-08:00

Focus. That's what I am right now. It's funny cuz my eyes actually seem to be seeing things sharper right now, instead of the normal hazy shades of not-paying-attention-to-life. After 2 weeks of pondering my program, I finally figured out why it wasn't working. The realization hit me like a fucking lightning bolt from the sky. After putzing around for an hour, typing in random code, it all of a sudden just came together. Twas definitely one of those "holy shit" moments. And then in hindsight I realized what a stupid mistake I made before.

Moral :

You don't notice that you have a fat ass until someone points it out; then you spend the next hour looking in the mirror trying on pants that look slimming.

~written at 3:40am.....

2003-02-14T09:23:00.000-08:00

I just had a dream that I was in a restaurant talking to a friend, and she was telling me how my ex went to Canada and was fooling around with nine different guys. She counted each one on her fingers, just to emphasize. I was very distraught and started to ramble on about what happened in the past and how she was never like that so she must either be making up for lost time during the time she 'missed out' when she was with me, or she was just being a hypocrit when she said she was not the type to just 'give herself away' to anyone.

What perfect timing.

Happy Valentines's Day.

2003-02-12T09:48:00.000-08:00

The new year is over for the second time this year. Apart from the temperature and sun setting, nothing has changed. It's like all the things that I had celebrated with the coming of the western new year has been done. The eastern new year doesn't have as much significance, with the accepting of all the 'lai see' as the only exception. Maybe nobody wants to tell me what to do, nobody wants to force me to celebrate the chinese new year, and it is up to me to find out and make it important for myself. I feel like I missed out somewhere and lose a bit of my culture to the America's melting pot every year.

2003-02-01T16:23:00.000-08:00

Happy chinese new year. This day marks the 1 year anniversary of me coming to cali. Not exactly one year, but this is the first thing i remember from last year. It's very sad that the space shuttle columbia disintegrated this morning. I was reading about it, and the last time it happened(of the three total in the history of space exploration), it was in 1986 with the challenger. Now I still remember people talking about it(when the topic comes up) and how sad it was. They all remembered where they were when it happened, the importance of the event being up there like when lennon got shot. or when the twin towers crashed. this time though, i don't feel such a great sense of tragedy.

Granted I didn't even know that we had a shuttle in space at the time, i still feel that i should feel sympathy of some sort. Maybe the 'thrill' of space is no longer as important as it was 20 years ago. Maybe 'm just too worried about the economy and going to war for no particularly good reason. One of the things to point out in all the articles about the explosion is how they have, so far, determined that the shuttle accident was not due to terrorist intervention. I think that says it all. Our national space program is too far detached for me to be worrying about it. Although I do mourn for the families on what was supposed to be a celebratory day, as well as the billions of dollars lost which is just another hit to the economy. My panic will start when there are reports of dirty bombs, airborne anthrax, poisoned water supplies in my vicinity of the state. Till then, life goes on.

2003-01-30T18:08:00.000-08:00

"Breathe" - by Telepopmusik It's a dreamy trance(?) number where the beats are kinda muted, and a girl repeats the same 10 words over and over. I've been listening to that track on repeat for the past 6 hrs. I dunno what it is about that song. It's so soothing when I listen to it, like a soft hand, caressing my cheek. Lay me down to sleep, and stroke my face while whispering sweet nothings in my ear. It sounds almost like a lullaby. And the girl sounds so alluring too, especially when you hear her breathing and kinda just letting the words slip out of her mouth. I bet she's really hot. Maybe. Wow, I'm turned out by this song. Which is especially surprising since there's no moaning or slapping sounds accompanying it....

2003-01-29T10:35:00.000-08:00

I was sitting is statistics class and the girl sitting next to me asked "Do you understand all this?" and I replied "Yeah, it's just review....from hi school......like 8 yrs ago." She asked me when I graduated, I told her "95". She said she was relieved because now she doesn't feel so bad because she graduated in '94. She asked the same question to another kid, and he said it was hi-school review too, but from last year. I thought, hey, we have something in common. I asked her if she wanted to work on the homework later on in the day. She said she couldn't. She had to pick up her daughter. Ok.........similarities end there.

I'm thinking that at my age, I should be around where she is, married, with child, etc. That's what I had imagined when I was younger. I mean, that's the 'societal' norm isn't it? But now that I'm here, I see a slew of people my age as well as five years my senior that aren't even close to that stage yet. What does that mean? That the norm really isn't the norm? Is it just a bad economy thing? Is it a women's lib thing? Maybe just an urban environment where people start families later. I bet if I lived in Kansas or something, I'd have a wife and child by now.... working at the local hardware store......and go fishing and drinking beers every weekend by the pond.......

2003-01-26T22:35:00.000-08:00

love doctor on call. that's how i feel after having every conversation this weekend be about relationships.

there was yumi's old problem and now her new predicament with a boy that she recently found out is not gay, and likes her, though she just wants to be friends. she went snowboarding with him, and he said "if you want to go boarding again, feel free to call me........also if there's anything else you feel like doing, feel free to call me."

there's cat who we spoke of how everybody, no matter how conservative, has needs, and whether dating does or doesn't mean looking for the person you think you might marry. her point was that every person you date should be seen as a potential or else there is no incentive to invest in the relationship. my point was that dating literally means a social outing, not hunting for your life-mate. the skills learned while dating is what gets you ready to catch the right one when they come along.

saturday was helping my middle-aged teacher, who's class i'm ta'ing, to break up with his girlfriend who's at that point in her life where the biological clock is ticking double-time and starting negotiations about moving in with him. he was never feeling the relationship anyway and she is getting too serious too fast. planning a year ahead about what they're gonna be doing after only dating for a few months would scare off anybody. he didn't know how to break it to her, so i suggested a loaded question to broach the topic. "so how do you feel about us?"

des messaged me a few hours ago asking about whether some guys are giving her signs that they want to be with her even though it seems like she's doing everything she can to show them that she is head over heels for her boyfriend. Ploys ranging from 'conveniently' bringing an extra sweater if they're cold to giving her a 5am wake up call without being asked to. one of sneakier and more subtle ones involved describing his perfect girl, but only a few days prior, giving those same attributes about des in another conversation.

all these situations are different, but they are all the same. this commonality transcends gender, age and relationship experience. it reinforces the fact that love is blind and it's never where you want it, and it always where you don't want it to be. it's all just a game. there's rules to be followed, and they're totally different for both teams. Therein lies the reason for all problems. If we both played by the same book, you'd always know who was right or wrong. But here, it's apples and oranges. And add to that the emotional obstacles that occur in all games and it's like trying to fight your way through a maze blindfolded with your hands tied behind your back hopping backwards on one leg. No wonder people need advice when they're in a relationship. But when you're not the one in the relationship, everything's so clear. It's like couch-refereeing when u're watching a ball game. without the pressure to make the call, it's always easier to see what really happened.

in a nutshell : women are too sensitive. men are pigs. can't we all just get along........but then what fun would that be?

2003-01-25T14:43:00.000-08:00

it's a bit slow here in class and i've put my 2 pennies into just about every recently posted blog i could find. but apparently martin beat me to it. :(

update : talked to yumi. she thanked me for opening up her eyes to her situation and indeed she was hung up on said ex. she said she'll start to break out of the mold she cast herself in and experience new things. score one for the gipper.

2003-01-25T14:02:00.000-08:00

the eternal race, revisited

the struggle continues as i race down the highway. the ground isn't smooth, nor is it straight, but for sure it is narrow. a lot of the time i'm running down the median, but every so often, i veer towards the shoulder thinking i'm going to crash and burn. so far i haven't, but i am getting tired, my eyelids are heavy and the thought of self-destruction is always floating in the back of my mind. it's what keeps me awake. it's what keeps me from deciding that enough is enough and i don't want to run this race anymore. i don't want to be a quitter. i've never been a quitter. but my feet hurt. and i'm thirsty. i can't see what the finish line looks like, but if i keep running, it will eventually end. one way. or another.

i look to my side and i see people running beside me. they look familiar, but i don't know where i've seen them before. some of them are tall, some are short. i pass by some while getting passed by others. they all dress the same, dark blue nike shox, white bball shorts and a white jersey, with yellow trim. i look down and then i realize, they're me. they are what i want to be, they are what i could be. they all want to finish the race, but not all of them will. in the sea of thousands, will i be one of those unlucky few? or will i rise up to the challenge and live up to my potential?

the trophy at the end used to be for my parents, because they were the ones that got me running. now i see that they'll still be happy if i win the trophy for myself. and so will i. but to what ends will i go to achieve my goal? i must stay true to myself, but i also need to follow the rules. a fine line falls between what is right and what is not-so-right......

some days i run faster, with an extra bounce in every step. those are the good days. those are the days i hope will last until the the next sunrise. even when it doesn't i have to keep telling myself that it's just around the corner. when i stumble, when i fall, it hurts. it really hurts. i can ask for help; friends and family, family of friends, and help is there to get me back up and on my way. but help can only do so much. when i keep falling because of the same stone, the same crack in the road, it makes me lose hope because i have no one to blame but myself. for not seeing it the second time. or the third time. or all the times after that. who can i reach out to to show me the way to do it right? me. nobody except myself. learn from my mistakes and keep my eyes on the road. focus. there's always distractions along the way, but i have to put the blinders on. i have to finish the race. i have to come out on top. and i have to do in on my own terms.

2003-01-25T11:37:00.000-08:00

More so than usual, I woke up today feeling more stupid. Could be attributed to 3 things.

Sleep - came back at 4am. But used to waking up at 6. Now my beautiful schedule is fucked. Again. Damn.

Drinking - Haven't done it in ages. Maybe I just notice the stupid feeling more so having not been so wasted in a while.

Cigar smoking - Tried it once before. It was a nice little cuban ditty that a friend brought back from Mexico. I don't feel like 'Ahhnold' when I do it. There's no mystique. Tastes like shit. Have to hold back and remember not to inhale. Makes me salivate like a dog and have to spit after every drag. All in all, an unpleasant experience.

What a great way to start a day.

At least it's sunny outside. 60 degrees. T-shirt weather. Midwest be jealous.

2003-01-24T20:32:00.000-08:00

If you're ever working and you greet the customer "Hiya doin?" and the customer replies "Pretty good, how bout yourself?", don't answer with "Pretty damn tired. Been up since 6am, went to class for the past 8 hrs, and now I'm here, and my muscles are aching cuz it's the first time I've worked out in ages."

It usually doesn't solicit a response and you're left with an uncomfortable silence.

2003-01-24T19:44:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's better to mind your own business.

I was talking to my friend Yumi about how she's a vegetarian and how her whole family is trying to change her back to eating meat by cooking food with bits of meat in it that she justs ends up picking out anyway. She told me that it's her lifestyle now, and she is happy with it.

I asked her how she became a PETA-lover, and she said it started when she realized that her last boyfriend had not eaten meat for the three months that they had been going out. She adopted his diet, and now, even though they are not together anymore, she's still meat-free. Myself being a PETA supporter (People Eating Tasty Animals), I told her "bacon tastes good, pork chops taste good" and perhaps there's an underlying reason why she's vegetarian beyond the health and welfare aspects. As it turns out, she's still hung up on her ex, who is prolly going to marry the girl his is with at the moment, thus destroying any possibility of any future reconciliation with Yumi.

Putting one and one together, I said that perhaps her being vegetarian is related to the fact that she is not over him. Sometimes I do the same thing with the only ring I own that I wear once in a while. Like "leaving a candle burning" for the lover in hopes that they'll be able to see it and find their way home. This was of course something I pulled out of my ass without thinking, but amazingly, I struck upon something. She then proceeded to agree with me and get all depressed about him and questioning herself and her eating habits. To try and soften the blow, I told her that whatever she does, it's her choice, and as long as she's happy, she doesn't need to change for anyone. I don't think it helped much. The conversation then ended as she decided she was tired and wanted to go to sleep.

Morals of the story :

1. When someone's happy/content, don't question it even though you are only trying to think of something to talk about.

2. If someone is still trying to get over their ex, it's best not to delve too deep into their psyche and bring up ideas that they may not be proud of and definitely not ready to acknowledge.

2003-01-24T18:51:00.000-08:00

Not missing out.

I told myself I was gonna watch the second part of American Idol the other day but I had to work, so I ended up missing it. I don't feel too sad about it though.

Now take another situation. Jeremy is going snowboarding this weekend. Should I go? Well, if I did, I know it'd be a lot of fun. If I didn't, I would feel like I missed out, but a week down the line, how much would that have affected me? Little to none.

Extrapolate that to anything you do in life. Going out drinking, parties, vacations..... what does it matter once it's all over? So I missed out on an event. After the small amount of initial regret, it's all just dust in the wind. There will be more parties, more opportunities to have fun right? I mean every time someone says it's the 'biggest party of the year', it means the next one should be bigger.

So what is the meaning of life? Being happy? Partying? What is the meaning of my life, or more accurately, what should I be doing now that goes beyond immediate gratification so that I can wake up one day and say "I would not change one thing in my life, it is perfect where it is and where it's going"?

2003-01-22T00:26:00.000-08:00

Karma is real. For my new regimin, I've decided to start working out again. Perhaps by summer, I can be lean, mean, and not fat. Not that I despise fat people. I just despise fat. Particularly my own that I've accumulated over the past few years. I tried doing a few situps, thinking that it would be just like when I was in hi skool. And I think back to my not-so-skinny friend freeman who had a hard time doing 20 that he nearly didn't make the last 2. And I thought "They're easy. Even you should be able to pull off 20." And now I know how he feels. There's that extra piece of flesh that kinda gets in the way of a crunch that is just not conducive to doing one. Kinda like when you put your foot in the door to stop it from moving. That's how I feel. But then again, it could be attributed to me giving up on being buff a few years ago. Time and a decrease in metabolism has taken a toll and now it's time to take it back... Grrr.

Some pics to inspire me.

2003-01-18T04:22:00.000-08:00

I've come to the conclusion that I don't have a good time at a club unless I'm wasted off my ass. Now there's a real dependancy issue. It seems that that's the only way to not be self conscious when trying to dance with a stranger. I was sober tonight. We left after some guy ran onto the dance floor and smashed a bottle over some other dude's head. Big brawl, we left, and watched 'Signs' over a glass of wine. No contest as to which half of the night was more enjoyable. It's a scary movie. Even scarier is the religious undertones permeating throughout the film. I'm in group 2, but slowly becoming more group 1-ish. I want to believe that I'm not alone, that things don't just happen by chance, that there's a reason for everything, to live in hope, not fear. M. Night is the shit.

2003-01-17T21:39:00.000-08:00

Smoking sucks. It makes your clothes stink, your fingers stink, your breath stink and yellows your teeth really bad. So why do I still do it? I think it's the habit. Drinking and smoking just go hand in hand. But if I don't drink, I still smoke. Then it must be that I'm addicted. But when I'm not smoking, I can't stand the smell, especially on myself. This self-defeating behaviour is not healthy. What is healthy is for me to get a membership at 24-hour fitness and start going religiously. Five hundred for three years, but they might have that buy-one-get-one-free offer. If they do, I'm in.

At Moe's place typing this while he's mixing stuff up, predrinking for the night. One more for the road. Hopefully tonight will not be as depressing as last night. Maybe I'll meet someone nice. Maybe I won't. As long as I have a good time, who cares......

2003-01-17T07:36:00.000-08:00

I am not a Californian. I am still lamenting the point after Martin had brought it to my attention. Having spent six of my 'growing' years in Michigan, I realize I am Midwest at heart. Also, I am still stuck using the college-style socialization technique that apparently doesn't really translate well in Cali. That technique would be to meet people at parties by being introduced to them through other people. In college, by the end of the first year you're there, everyone seems to know everyone else, which is all good. Here, especially at a club, it's a bit different.

I met up with Martin, whom I haven't seen in almost a year (doesn't feel like that long....or does it?) for dinner since he was in Palo Alto for some training session for work. We checked out a bar and a club with his two cousins. After a couple drinks and being bored attempting to dance with some random girls, I asked his cousin Evan how it was done. It starts with finding a target. This means pick the ones that came to dance as opposed to the ones that came to dance.....with themselves. Then you need the eye contact, either when they walk past, accidently brush into them or some other similarly cheesy trick to catch their attention. Then the hard part. Opening the mouth and saying "You wanna dance?" I guess that's when the instinct for self-preservation kicks in about being scared to get shot down and the like that can only be surpressed with increased alcohol consumption. And when all else fails, you can just grab them gingerly by the elbow, and pull them towards you.

So this is what Martin meant when he meant he didn't want 'to play around' anymore. And I was just thinking of the fun parts.

It was good to see a familiar face tonight in the normal sea of unfamiliar faces. Martin says there's some other old cats (Steph Liang?Irene?George?) that are floatin around the city that I didn't know about. Maybe I'll track them down and see if they still remember me.

I was cleaning my room tonight and I found one of those duty-free bags, inside containing a week old egg-tart that she brought for me back from HK. *sniff.

I'm not that hungry. Or desperate.

2003-01-16T00:32:00.000-08:00

*sigh. work starts again. bbjinx is finally gone. it seemed like she was here for a whole week. we did a lot in 3 days.

we went karaoke. got a bit drunk and started singing all the songs at the top of my lungs while dancing on the table. lucky we had a private room. a sign outside the door specifically says no alcohol allowed in the room so we brought a little moonshine and spiked all the sodas. note to self : gin is strictly for mixing, not for taking shots.

we went to the san jose international car show. there was a little hottie there by the name of lexus. she made me swoon, but not by what she took off, what rather what she put back on. with the flick of a switch, her trunk opens seductively, and as if purpposely teasing all the onlookers, her hard-top slides up and out, cover her top. drool. not to mention seeing all the new benzes, porsches, lambos and hummers at the show. I even got to sit in a 350z and pretend I was driving. we went to moe's place, had a few drinks and played an intense game of scrabble and then left after realizing they had work the next day, and we didn't.

we went to sf, the embarcadero, and fisherman's wharf. sitting outside on the street eating a shrimp sandwich, shrimp plate, clam showder and lobster bisque; there is no greater pleasure. the fact that it was a weekday and the streets were almost devoid of people added to the laid back feeling of not having to look at your watch to check the time. It's nice to know you have the entire day to just chill and life moves at your own pace. kinda like that corona commercial where they're sitting on the beach. we went to pier 39 where we watched a street performer juggle flaming batons, and get out of a straitjacket while wrapped in a steel chain and padlocked, all while telling jokes and asking us for money. we went to dave&busters, a great non-family establishment. had some more drinks over pool and introduced her to the exciting world of shuffleboard. Like darts, it takes skill, concentration, strategy, and patience. But also like darts, it's a lot more fun after a few drinks.

so she's gone. and i miss her. and as much as told myself not to, i think i have a crush on her. i like how she's down to earth. i like how she has a certain innocence, but can also be not-so-innocent when she wants. and she's smart as a button. a girl that knows what she wants (read : confident) is the easily the most attractive attribute. if circumstances allowed it, i would definitely court her, but she is sadly unavailable. she is 1844 miles away, across 2 times zones, and goes to bed when it's only 9 here. to be with her could only lead to much unfulfillment, and an unsatiable hunger since I probably won't see her again til god knows when. but she'll always be in my mind as one of those 'what ifs'. what if she lived in the city? what if there was a chance? what if she were here right now? what if i were a 100 foot tall dragon that breathed fire? Some questions have no answers.........

8 days and counting till what i consider 'starting school' again. 3 classes + work + TAing. nose to the grindstone..........

2003-01-11T10:50:00.000-08:00

Morning. I think I have completed the transition into a complete dork. Let me elaborate. At times, I do things and say things that elicit the reaction "Man, you're suck a dork". For example, at work, when employees leave the premises, that must have someone 'check them out', i.e. look through their stuff and their person to show they're not stealing anything. So anyway, the girls are like "I need someone to check me out", and then I'm like "I'll check you out" while eyeing them up and down like a piece of grade-a ribeye. We also have these walkie talkies that we use to page the manager when there's problems with a customer or whatnot. And every so often I page them, they say "whatchoo need?", and I say "Oh nothing, just wanted to see how you were doing, if everything was goin alrite with you."

But the keystone in the bridge that solidifies my existance as a dork comes in the form of a dream I had. Now dreams are supposedly a window into the mind, the subconscious, where your deepest desires are realized and not hindered by what society says or held back by the voice of reason known to many as the conscious mind. So although, you can't believe everything that happens in a dream ( like those three girls I picked up in the bar and after one kiss, they all were fighting over me, and only wanted to use me for my body), I feel it is an indication of hidden angsts or feelings that are normally surpressed. Although the dream I just had is fuzzy in a lot of places, there is one thing that is clear to me. In it I was playing Scrabble.

It's actually quite strange how it occurred. From the pieces I still remember, there was this deja-vu feeling about it. I was walking with a group of people down the street of what I surmise to be downtown San Fran, I remember walking along the pavement, passing the buildings, but when I passed the buildings, I specifically remember passing those buildings before, like I had passed those buildings in a dream I had just five minutes prior. That's the deja-vu part. I remember bumming a cigarette and smoking it. We were walking downhill and passed a large building with huge windows and high ceilings, like the kind they have at diners, where you can see everything on the inside, from the tables arranged in a row, to the bar-style seating arranged in an L-shape along one side of the wall. It was totally empty and there wasn't a soul in sight. Somebody mentioned that it was a gay club after hours, and when we passed by it, there were scores of people lined up outside in broad daylight waiting to get in. Jump to being inside and I was playing scrabble with Moe, we were in an intense match, scores were very high, perhaps an all time record. Tension was high, the game was almost over, and I remember picking up a tile and looking at it, twirling it around in my hand, trying decide how to best destroy any chance of Moe coming back and beating me. The piece was either a K or L. The rest is hazy but it involved a SWAT team, a bomb threat, and everyone filing up to the register counter to get their bags searched, and I was the only one with his hands still raised in the air.

Dreams are strange. I'm a dork.

bbjinx will be here tonight. What is there to do in the evening besides clubbing? Err......S-c-r-a.........no.

2003-01-10T14:58:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up.

TV is the devil. I think I'll tape some plastic horns on it to acknowledge the point.

bbjinx is coming to visit tomorrow. She wants to do chill stuff. i.e. not clubbing, and hopefully not shopping. I hate shopping. Perhaps we can go check some new places in the city. Just get lost and see what we find. That sounds like fun.

And if all else fails, we can always just go shoot some stick at the Metreon.

2003-01-09T09:07:00.000-08:00

I feel that perhaps I shouldn't have any days off from work. It just totally screws up my schedule and I fall back into that laziness that is so hard to get out of.

2 circular arguments I had yesterday a.k.a. snake eating its own tail -

1. Faith - You need faith to believe in god. If you pray for something to happen and tell god you'll do anything if only it would just happen, and then it doesn't, apparently it doesn't mean that god does not exist or you weren't special enough for him to hear your prayers. It means that he had a purpose for not letting it happen. And you have to have faith that he didn't answer your prayers. So you must have faith to believe that god will help you, but you must also have faith to believe that god won't help you when you asked him to.....

2. Trust - To be content in a relationship, you should trust the person (from cheating or the like) until they they start to show signs that you should do otherwise. But if they start to show signs, doesn't that mean it's already too late, and you have already passed that point where you should have trusted them anyway?

2003-01-07T22:23:00.000-08:00

Now that I've checked other ppl's pages, I don't feel so bad for not blogging during this vacation, cuz no one else did either. Ha, I laugh at all of you. ha. I laugh again, but with less gusto.

2003-01-07T22:07:00.000-08:00

Ok let's try this again.

Post-New Years Resolution

From now on, on every non-special i.e. 'normal' day where life just 'goes by', I will......

1. force self to blog each day - I should be blogging everyday as a record of my life so that it doesn't just pass me by. I don't want to be sitting in the same place one year from now and wondering where that year went. I'd rather have a history of accomplishing little to nothing than have it seem like it 'never existed at all' (spooky music playing in the background). No matter how insignificant, stupid, or minute, I shall not miss more than 1 day of blogging. If circumstances do not allow me to be in front of a computer for that day, it will be recorded, and transcribed at a later date.

2. correspond with two people from my past life. This includes phone calls (15%), and IMing(15%) but will mainly center around email (65%), and for some few lucky summamabitches, snail mail(5%). I have been thrusted into the part of the world known only as northern California, where 99% of the people I know aren't living in. All those people that have meant something in my life have all been scattered by the four winds and lost in their own thunderstorm of worries. I will be that silver lining that brightens up their day, to let them know that 'hey it could be worse' and thrust all my issues upon them so their worries will seem insignificant in comparison. Also, I hate it when people contact me(and vice versa) after forever and a day, only when they need something. This way, they are all pleasantly surprised when I contact them WITHOUT asking for something. A little something I like to call "Pay It Sideways".

3. complete one task. I will clear out one wall (err....closet door) and stick post-it notes on them, each with something I need to do. Some of those things will be small (like putting away my laundry that's been sitting, folded in the basket for the past 2 days), others bigger (like reading that how-to-photoshop book cover to cover like I said I would 4 months ago), and some seemingly impossible (finding happiness, direction, a girlfriend) . No matter. The post-its will grow like a fungus, I can already see it happening, but at least I won't forget to do something. And I WILL do one of those things each day.

And that my friends, is my patent pending 3-step guide to getting my life on track.

2002-12-30T20:29:00.000-08:00

10 days. 22 hours. 25 minutes, since the last blog. Seems like so much has happened, like an entire month has gone by. Got some good family bonding time done. Last Sunday, went clubbing at some club in SF. It was a 'pineapple' sponsored event for those in the know. Felt like I was back in college again, with all them kiddies doin their elite socialite thing.

That's when I broke my new year's resolution. I had a cigarette. And here I stand, over 3 packs later. After that first one, the second one doesn't seem so bad, and I start sucking them down like tic-tacs. Tic-tacs enriched with tar and nicotine. At least I'm still caffeine-independant.

So then Jeffrey meets up with Chuan, a fellow 'sister' from the Asian greeks in Mich and her sister, Tien. Smoke, smoke, drink, drink, party, party. The night goes on, and Chuan ends up over-celebrating her 21st birthday( the last drink was a killer) and gets kicked out of the club cuz she couldn't feign sobriety. Being a cold night as it was, we all went to take her to the car, where she passes out, but not without leaving a parting gift, namely, bits of vomit sprinkled all over the front seat and door. The brunt of the attack was caught by Jeffrey's vest. Tien is embarrassed by her sister's lack of digestive self-control, and insists that she pay for the cleaning of the car. I said I would just clean it myself, and we settled on her treating us to dinner sometime. We walk back to the club and Tien gets back in to look for her ride. I begin to follow her in, but then get stopped by one of the gorillas at the door. I point and mumble, to show that I am clearly with her, and not some freako trying to get free entry. My cries are for nought as I stand outside the entrance, in the cold, like a choad, and wait for her to get back. She comes back, can't find her ride and we end up taking her and her sister home. We carry her sister up to her room, where she promptly passes out, and we go to the kitchen and chat while trying to rehydrate with about a gallon of water. Tien offers us some really good spinach quiche, that apparently one of her mom's patients made. I assume she's a psychiatrist, but I never ask her specifically.

Morning retribution. The consequences of last night's actions is I get 3 hrs of sleep before I work, and I spend 1/2 of that day imagining that all the customers I see have a lingering scent of throw-up. And I still get to clean my car.

2002-12-19T20:56:00.000-08:00

Peaks and Valleys. I have a sneaking suspicion that I might be borderline bipolar, though I'm sure that a good portion of it can be be attributed to the situation around me. I just finished the exam for single class that I'm taking. I told myself last test I wouldn't fuck around, but you know what they say about history repeating? Didn't finish my program, after stressing 2 days about it, and getting about 4 hrs sleep because of it. I was supposed to get it the last day of class( today) but that didn't happen. I think that around five am this morning I was actually praying to God. I asked him not to let me be such a fuckup. I asked him to give me some motivation and self-control so I wouldn't have to spend anymore countless nights wondering what is wrong with me and why I can't even spend five minutes concentrating on my work.

But really, isn't it all just up to me? Do I not have the power to end my own self-loathing and replace it with something better, something happier? Like butterflies. Or rainbows. I mean if I assume God is just going to wave his magic burning bush and all of my troubles will disappear, the question is did he really do it, or is it something I've found inside myself to conquer. Without getting into a whole argument on theology, (and I have many a time), I think it all comes down to whether or not you believe.

My brother just got in from the airport, haven't seen him for a year. Yay. Three weeks of sibling bonding.....

2002-12-16T20:15:00.000-08:00

I was working on that project last Friday and I was looking for streams to listen to on winamp.com. There was the usual drivel - top 40's, world's greatest love songs, technoallday. All have their own redeeming qualities, especially in small proportions, but to listen to it for a whole day and either you start getting repeated playlists, or it just gets really monotonous. What I stumbled upon, was, I think, one of the greatest, but underappreciated streams on the site. It was a low bandwidth voice-only stream for the entire third Harry Potter book. It was read by Jim Dale, some British guy, and he does the voices really well, you totally get into the story. I started the stream (which was already about halfway through the book) at 3pm, programmed the entire time, and finished it around midnight. And it was damn well worth it. What a great way to pass the hours and get work done at the same time.

A big two thumbs up recommendation to all.

Here is the stream. And here is the page it's on. I'm not sure if it plays 24/7 nonstop, but it prolly does.

2002-12-16T19:12:00.000-08:00

Ugh, what a shitty last blog. I was really forcing myself to get it out. I hate it when that happens. It always turns out bad that way. Just got back from 8 hrs of retail. My boss seemed happy cuz I worked the customers really well and got them to pony up for all this "extra" stuff like memberships and warranties. I almost felt sorry for the people, but I guess it IS a deal, whether or not I think it is. It's becoming almost automatic and when I hawk the wares, almost as if I happily endorse it, even if it adds another $10 to their final price. C'est la vie. Somebody's gotta make money somewhere along the line right?

Work status :

Working retail job.......check.
Final changes on flash project, hopefully by tonight......check.
Called Sandra at the bank for hopefully another freelance project....in progress.
Called Fiona about yet another close to min. wage job / up to 30hrs/week, for the next semester .....waiting for a reply.
Study for exam Thursday....T.B.D.
Writing programs left undone for the whole semester by Thursday.....1 out of 7 done

It's gonna be a long week.

2002-12-16T18:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's post

It's been raining for the past few days non-stop, running the gamut from light drizzle to heavy storms and back. I don't think I had seen the sun since Wednesday. I was sitting in the computer lab yesterday, doing what teaching assistants do when they have no one to help. The rain outside had just calmed to a light mist, and I see the professor leave the lab to go for a walk. A few seconds later, I see him through the glass doorsas he runs into the lab and tells me to come outside. I'm thinking "Is it a fight? Car accident? Flood perhaps? He seems excited so it must be good." When I got out there, he points up at the sky. I look to where his finger was pointing, expecting to see a bird or airplane, but instead, was pleasntly surprised. Up in the sky, in all it's technicolor glory, was a GIGANTIC rainbow. It just towered over everything, must've been like 50 miles long. And a few miles in front I saw where it ended, and I could almost imagine the shimmer from that proverbial pot of gold.

And then I got this feeling of calmness and serenity. I'm eight years old again. It's summer, and I'm playing out on the front lawn of our old house. The temperature is in the 100's and me and my brother are playing with the garden hose. I remember putting my thumb on spout and see a shimmering rainbow appear out of nowhere like magic. Young and carefree, with absolutely no responsibilty but to have fun. How simple life was then. I think on the next nice day, I'm gonna lie in grass, look at the clouds, and try to make out all those dragons and animals and faces that I used to see when I was 10 yrs old.

2002-12-13T16:41:00.000-08:00

Dreams are real. Well, at least that's the way they feel when I dream. This has only happened to me a few times, but last night/this morning, I had another bout of lucid dreaming. I was lying on the bed in a really uncomfortable position trying to take a power nap, before I continued my project. The uncomfortable position being so that I wouldn't get too comfortable and end up sleeping the morning away. I remember walking around in a carpeted room. It looked so familiar, like somebody's house from childhood. I guess I wasn't fully into deep sleep, because I suddenly realized that I was dreaming. I heard there's a few ways to do it. One way is to write something on your hand before you sleep and then try to read it when you think you're dreaming. Usually you can't read things because they require too much concentration. Same goes for trying to count 10 seconds with a watch. Also, they say most people dream in black and white, though I'm not sure why. Only people that have brain ailments( i.e. tumors/schizophrenia) People say that in your dreams, you can do anything. So I decided I would fly. I think it was more ethereal than anything else, because I started to float, as though I weighed nothing. Though insteading of floating up, up and away, I was starting to sink into the floor. Falling through the floor, unable to control myself. The teeming millions on the internet, in their wealth of knowledge, concur it indicates "a fear of loss in security or of a relationship". That's funny. I thought you only fear the unknown. Being that I can safely say that both of those things are happening to me right now, it's not that bad. Let yourself be humbled. Take it all in stride. Learn from your mistakes. Move on. That's my mantra for the month.

2002-12-12T00:52:00.000-08:00

A question someone posted in an online forum -

Why do men bother to pee standing up? I know that sometimes it's the only choice, but when you're at home and have a normal toilet, why do you bother standing and risk hitting the seat/floor? Why not sit on the toilet and then you can be sure not to have any misses?

My first thought was what a stupid question. But as I read all the explanations, ranging from the fact that we were taught that way since birth to as simple as 'because we can', I realized that they are all wrong. Having peed standing up for as long as I can remember, I feel I am an expert on the subject and have my own hypothesis regarding this matter of universal mystery, but utmost significance.

The laziness thing is definitely an issue. You don't have to make the effort of getting up afterwards AND pulling your pants up. Unzip, pull out, pee, wiggle, tuck in, zip. Must be completed in that order, or dire consequences can result.

Most important......and especially relevant in the winter.....that seat is DAMN cold. It's like a shock every time I sit down on that ice-cold seat. All seats should have a warming element of some sort. Although in the same respect, if you use it right after someone else, it's disturbingly warm from being heated from their own bum, as if they have left their 'essence' on the seat for you as a good-bye gift.

That's my two pennies. These are the others.

2002-12-09T22:27:00.000-08:00

Snowboarding was awesome. Yet it sucked at the same time. What was awesome was I actually went for the first time in two years. What was awesome was that I only had to wear two t-shirts to keep me warm the whole time. What sucked was that it shouldn't have been called snowboarding when I went, but rather, iceboarding. The actual snow was few and far between, and I must've made a million snowcones with all the ice I shaved. Not to mention all the times I thought I was slowing down by digging my edge in, when in reality I was slipping and falling on my ass. And my hands. And my knees. But what fun is it if you don't get hurt? If you don't get hurt, it means you're not trying hard enough. Skating on that thin edge between life and perceived death is what makes life all the more exciting. I think that applies to everything. Sports, gambling, spicy food, crime, love, you name it.

2002-12-09T15:45:00.000-08:00

Funktion is a badass. I am confident that if I were to try out for it right now, I wouldn't even make through first round.

Their latest video.
A very funktion xmas.

provided by gus a.k.a. humanamoeba

And yet more videos....

old video fun
dancing girl

for all the procrastinators.....you know who u are.....wait...that's me....

2002-12-09T06:30:00.000-08:00

I'm a bit perturbed. In hindsight, I realized I shouldn't have done it, but it's too late now. One of my co-workers was smiling at me today, so be friendly I smiled back. I thought she was just being friendly too. And then she comes up to me and asks me "Can I ask u something?"..."Sure."....."Do you have a girlfriend?".....Uh-oh. You know what this is leading to. But seeing how there is no good way to defuse the situation, conversation ensues..... "Uh...no..........why?"......"Cuz I think you're cute."...... ".......mm....thanks!" Wow, I'm flattered. So now there's this moment of awkwardness where no one says anything, kinda looking at each other waiting for something to happen. This seems like one of those perfect situations falling into my lap, except for one key factor. I wasn't attracted to her. So looking for a good cop-out, I casually asked her how old she was. "I just turned 18 last month." Ouch. And I'm thinking, if only she was my type. "Can you guess how old I am?" She guesses 19. I chuckle and think to myself "I wish." We play hi-low for a bit till I realize I might as well just tell her, hopefully shocking her into reconsidering me as a possible mate. "I'm 24." And then a supervisor comes by so she says she has to clock out and walks away.

The gears start to turn in my head. On one hand, it kinda makes your day when someone compliments you like that. On the other hand, if you're not interested, just cut the rope so as not to lead her on. And yet on the other hand( I have a third hand), when I was in her situation, I felt pretty bad being shot down after confessing an attraction towards the other person. Especially getting up all the courage to do it. So as not to be a complete hypocrit regarding that situation, I thought that perhaps she has some redeeming qualities in her personality and we can at least be friends. Best-case scenario, I meet someone else through her that I might find attractive.

A few minutes later, she walks to leave, and I happen to be along the way out. I plan to say "I dunno about dating, but if u wanna hang out, that's cool.", or something to that effect. She comes up and asks me "So can I?".... "Can you what?"..... "Get you number." I suppose that's innocent enough, since exchanging numbers is the only way we can contact each other (though I realize now why girls go so far as to give out emails rather than numbers). I give it to her saying "Yeah, maybe we can go watch a movie or whatever." Again, innocent enough, right? She says ok and asks me what time I get off work. Hmmm, that's a bit quick. That shoulda been the first sign. Cardinal rule - never be too anxious. I told her nine, but I have a project due the next day so probably can't do anything. She says ok again, and leaves.

About an hour ago, I get a call on my cell phone. Caller ID says 'private call'. Since I get shitty reception in my room, I decide not to get out of bed to stand on the a chair to answer it. A few minutes later, the incessant 'you have a message' beep goes off for the 3rd time and curiosity gets the better of me. I turn on the light, get out of bed, stand on the chair and check the message. Guess who it is? Now all this would not be so strange and somewhat disturbing if not for the fact that it was 5 in the morning. She called and said she couldn't sleep and she knows that it's 5 but she wanted to call me and see what I was doing. Ok.....

Perhaps she a bit eager. Perhaps giving her my number wasn't the smartest thing to do. *sigh* If only I was attracted to her, then it wouldn't even be an issue. She left her number. I'll call her sometime this week and tell her not to call at 5am. And somehow let her know I just want to be friends. I give her props for props for making the effort though.

2002-12-07T16:42:00.000-08:00

So decided sometime between dinner and dessert last night that we should go get drunk. "We" meaning my cousin, his girlfriend, and me. So instead of going to some club or bar, we decided to drink at home. So we played some drinking games, got somewhat tipsy, and the night degraded to where we ended up just watching tv, and then started surfing through the pr0n channels. So then she starts asking questions like "What do guys get out of this? It's so boring!" To that I answered, "Well, if you were a guy, you would know." Without going into too much detail, I explained to her how you could imagine yourself being in the position of the 'actors' onscreen etc. We continue surfing, and at the same time, criticizing the performers' merits, when she asks the other question. "Why do guys like watching girls with other girls? Eww!" I said because it's hot. She then goes on to ask if we find guys kissing guys a turn-on. Of course not. Therefore, her logic states that same-sex-sex is a turn-off, regardless of sex, so it doesn't make sense that being one gender doing it is hot, while the other is not. Hmm...why is that?

2002-12-07T14:41:00.000-08:00

Blogging is like pooping. Once I do it, I usually feel a lot better. But when I feel like it needs to be done for regularity's sake, I can't force myself to do it when I'm not feeling it.Sometimes I can go days without doing it. Even though I think "hey, it's been a while", and wonder if maybe I should. But when I don't, it starts to build up, and I get uncomfortable, like I need to let it out. Usually that happens from the small things that have been occuring over the past week that I don't want to forget. Getting into the habit of doing it every day or every other day is hard. When it does finally come, it usually comes in spurts,and all at once(like 6 posts over a weekend), rather than a steady daily stream. [end fecal analogy]

2002-11-27T23:52:00.000-08:00

Cool beans. The feeling of serenity and/or happiness has lasted 24 hrs so far. I think that's a monthly record. Maybe it's partly cuz I finally had that meeting at the bank for the flash project, and even though they didn't say much, it went well. Seemed like I made a good impression at least. Maybe it's cuz even though I worked 5 hrs today and made only $37, it was good to seem like I was making a difference in the world. The world, of course, being the retail music industry. At least I got a workout moving displays around. I get a strange sense of peace when I'm doing brainless things. Like taking cd cases out of boxes and putting them on hooks and racks, you don't really have to worry if you're doing something wrong or if someone's waiting for you to screw up. I'm sure there's jobs like that around that pay three times as much, but the people currently occupying those jobs aren't gonna be quitting or dying soon.

Or maybe it's cuz when I went to that bank meeting, I put on my slacks, and in the pocket I found a $20 bill. It was just lying down there, crumpled up at the bottom of my pocket. I wonder who it was hiding from. Maybe it was waiting to surprise me. Well, boy was I surprised. Finding money you forgot about is one of the greatest pleasures in the world. Like finding buried treasure. Buried treasure that you yourself buried.....errr.....

Bought some kneepads today for the impending snowboard trip that happens in oh......4 hrs. Drive 4 hrs, get there at 8am, hit the slopes all day, then drive back at 4pm. It should be damn straight. And in the spirit of budget recreation, I am making sandwiches to eat, ham, cucumber and lettuce, cuz don't feel like paying $10 for a chicken sandwich, and $4 for a coke. You can save those for the yuppies drivdriving up in their SUV's and 2.3 kids, designer snowjacket and pants, money dripping out of their nose, and brand new model snowboards when they don't even know how to. *sigh I wanna be a yuppy......

2002-11-27T00:16:00.000-08:00

After a night of frustration and a morning of self-loathing, I feel good. Quite money right now. I spent all week trying to study for the java exam today. Trying, but not succeeding. I forgot how much effort it took to do it. My mind just keeps wandering after reading 3 lines of text. First line, I'm reading it. Second line, I'm still reading, but I'm not comprehending, Two point five line, I'm not understanding, and I start to daydream about something else, totally unrelated. 3rd line comes along, my eyes glaze over, and I'm no longer focusing on the page. And it happened all week.

I've decided that perhaps the intake of those non-illegal substances is to blame. So as a new years resolution, I'm gonna quit. I've never had a new year's resolution, and now is a good time to start, thought it's not quite as good as it sounds. This will be my new years resolution for last year. I'm not gonna smoke or drink coffee till new years. That way, I can celebrate 2003 with a cancer-stick. And then I can make another resolution. Maybe.

So the exam went incredibly well. That is, for the amount of studying that I did. Pulled myself out of the fire yet again. It's like I keep telling myself, ok, if you get through this, you have to promise yourself you won't fuck around like this again. This is your last chance. But how many times does it keep happening? Enough. So that can be next year's resolution. Really.

And yet another semi-scary moment happened today. At Sam Goody music store, where I am now seasonally employed. There were 12 of us, all new hires, including the manager, all crowded into the back storeroom. It's pretty tight in there so we were all standing close together in a long row next to this table, while the manager is talking. She's going over company procedures, about sexual harrasment and stealing etc, when all of a sudden one of the girls kinda leans over and it looks like she puts her head on the desk. But it was weird, it seemed almost intentional, but it was in this slow half moving, half falling way. So she's bent at the waist with her torso slumped over the table; I thought she was gonna puke or something. Next you see her legs slowly give way and go limp. Everyone's pretty freaked at this point, and there's total silence while this is going on, as though we're waiting for the girl to just get up and go "Haha, just kidding". One girl grabs her arm and asks if she's ok. No response. No movement. The manager calls to one of the employees to call security. A few seconds later, there's movement. She starts to move around, and another pulls out a chair for her to sit on. She slowly gets up, and slides her way onto the chair. As you can imagine, she looks really embarrassed as everyone is staring at her in awe at what just happened. Dawn, the manager, asks if she's ok. "Do you want a glass of water? Maybe you're too hot, do you want to take off your jacket?" To all this she quietly says "No, I'm fine", and points to her temple, "It was a migraine." So security is called, and her parents are called as well(from the emergency contact # on her application - so that number really IS useful) , for good measure. Security asks her again if she's ok. Again, she quietly points out that it was just a migraine. She gets these migraines.....

So that was that. I guess I could see how, in her shoes, she would not want to make it a big deal lest she get fired on her first day on the job. Scary how stuff like that happens. Reminds me of something.... You could be sitting there minding your own business, and out of nowhere, you just get smite, and your life is over. I'm glad to be alive today. I think I'll do something useful right now, so if the unthinkable does happen, I can at least say "Well I did do SOME of my programming homework"......Speaking of which, and seriously this time, there were apparently some big earthquakes last night a few clicks from where I live which just a precursor of what's to come. And I think I live along a fault line. Great. Hope I don't get sucked under.......

2002-11-24T00:25:00.000-08:00

Came home. Made dinner for 1.

1 large box Hamburger helper Stroganoff (noodles + sauce mix) - 10.5 oz

Brown meat, drain, and add all ingredients into a large saucepan or dutch oven. Simmer 10 min.
Ground hamburger - 2 lbs
4 1/2 cups water = 1080 ml = 1080g = approx 2 lb 8 oz
3/4 cup milk = 195ml = 195g = approx 6.4 oz
Bag of frozen vegetables, Fiesta variety - 1 lb
Oregano
Parsley
Crushed red peppers
Fennel
-----------------
Cooking time - 20 min.

Subtracting about a cup or so of fat after draining, the weight of my meal comes to about six lbs. Making a valiant effort, I took down a little more than a pound, before being beaten down and passing out into an fat/additive-induced food coma. Hamburger Helper is great. My roommate in college used cook it all the time. Although it doesn't compare to any real home-cooked food, for what it is, it's pretty damn good. It's like cooking-for-dummies. And you can just add whatever random veggie/meat u have in the fridge to change from plain to 'special'. I have yet to make an unedible batch. Can't say the same for cooking rice, or boiling eggs though.....*feh

2002-11-23T18:21:00.000-08:00

Class sucked. Though I have experienced 2 new things for the first time in my life.

The first being as I was driving there, I spotted some fresh roadkill about 50 ft in front of me. It was lying on a path directly in front of my right tread. At first I thought, hey, I'll swerve to the inside to avoid it, let it go right under the car. So I started to do that and I saw a car coming from behind in the next lane. Bad idea. So quickly swerving back to the other side, to get the carcass on the outside before I pass it. Unfortunately I was going too fast and I ended up clipping it. Not like directly rolled over that leaves a nice treadmark like you see in the cartoons. Somebody else had already done that. I ended up running over one of the fluffy nubs on the side that hadn't yet been flattened and compressed. I think I made solid contact with at least half of the body. There was a sickening squish as the tire passed, kinda like going over a soft speed bump.That left a nice taste in my mouth.

Number two, not as gross, but since it's my first time kinda scary. So driving back home in the fast lane goin about 80, listening to loud trance music, singing to words all pumped up, glad to be finished. Next thing I know the car in front of me puts on the brakes. I see the red lights come on so I take my foot off the gas and ease it onto the break. Not slowing fast enough. Press a little harder. All of a sudden I'm like about 30 ft behind and still going at a good pace. More pressure on the brake. And the closer I get, the harder I press, till I feel the tires lock up and I'm skidding. And when you're skidding, it doesn't matter how hard you press the brake anymore, it doesn't provide any extra stopping power. So my future (not my entire life as it's usually told to be) flashes before my eyes. I see myself crashing into the car in front, and then a split second later, the car behind me has the same interia problem I had, and rams into me, trapping me between the seat and the steering column. I have to be extricated from the car using the jaws of life, and I spend two months bedridden in the hospital, with three broken ribs, shattered jaw, a punctured lung and four compound fractures to both my femurs. And having no health insurance, the medical bills are tremendous, and I can't afford any type of physical therapy or rehabilitation.

The vision kinda trails off after that, with an image of my soul being tortured and burned to a crisp, or something along those lines. Fortunately, the brakes( and new tires) work as they are meant to and I end up about 3 feet behind from where I imagined. I quickly look up at my rearview mirror and see the glare of headlights shining up from about 200 feet away. A second later, I see a cloud of translucent white smoke come up from behind enveloping the car. As I think at how hard I must've braked to create such a big cloud, I smell the acrid odour of burnt rubber from the tires kissing the asphalt. For a second I just freeze and take in all of what just happened. I take a deep breath and I relax. Then ever so slowly, I reach down and feel along the inseam of my jeans. Whew. Dry.

2002-11-23T10:36:00.000-08:00

Great. I get the benefits of a hangover without the drawbacks of actually having done any drinking. Raise your hand if you feel like shit..........(raises hand). I know there's a lesson to be learned around here somewhere......

2002-11-23T06:00:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I'm still not asleep yet. My studying is shot to hell. And I get to wake up in 4 hrs to teach. At least I revised the page design. I have mrfilipno to thank for the new comment host, that I 'foound' on his site. It's got added features from the old one, which doesn't even show up 1/2 the time. Also added the archives. Good nite dammit.

2002-11-23T02:19:00.000-08:00

Update. The lady called me about that Sam Goody job at the mall. Seems like I got it. She said sorry, but won't be able to offer me $10/hr, only $7.50. I didn't know whether I should jump up for joy or kill myself. In actuality I did neither, and asked her to give me as many hours as possible, since it was only a seasonal job for the holiday season. At least it's not minimum wage.

I think I'm classified as an independant, so maybe I'm eligible for welfare or something. As promising as that sounds, that would mean less funds for less-fortunate people, right? And I'm hardly suffering any of the hardships of those living below the poverty line thought my lack of income shows otherwise. Collecting unemployment is a more likely possiblity, but I think you have to be working non-stop, for at least a year for benefits to take effect. In other words, I thank the 'higher power' for the alms in this time of crisis.

Here's a forward I got from Al, describing exactly how I feel. The author encapsulates the feeling so well, it's scary. Empathize with me. And feel free to copy/paste/forward to whoever......

" Being Twenty-Something........."

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop
going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many
things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You
start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or
two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those
friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the
greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost
touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't
recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really
cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as
you.

You look at your job...and it is not even close to what you thought
you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and
realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and
that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing
and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you
realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are
constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and
what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh
and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and
scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and
cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past
is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do
but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do
such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't
meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or
maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure
out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad
person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap.
Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and
talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot
seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for
yourself.....and while winning the race would be great, right now
you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to
it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as
hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Send this to your twenty-something friends...maybe it will help
someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of
confusion.........

2002-11-23T01:31:00.000-08:00

It's fun to mess with search engines. Farking cool. My name came up first on a google search. Well not 'first-first', but they're both me. I sure feel special. But then again, the name is pretty obscure. Maybe I'll try to get listed with other uncommon references like Cerebral fluid drips on my keyboard.

Question : Do I have anything better to do?
Answer : Yes.
Rebuttal : Am I going to play search-engine games anyway?
Rebuttal Answer : Yes.
Re-rebuttal : What's wrong with you? Don't you have a life??!?!?
Counterclaim : errr......raaaaaahhhh.........(silence)........(typing on keyboard)......

2002-11-22T17:25:00.000-08:00

Blah blah blah blah blah. I was watching the history channel today about cattle ranchers and they said that they measure the testicles of the bulls when they are 1 year old, and if their cajones don't hang more than 30 cm, they get castrated and are sent down the road to become two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. This is because the size of the testicles are directly correlated to the amount of semen production for sale to other breeders. If you are one these under-endowed chosen, when they have finally fattened you up and sent you to the slaughterhouse, the method of death is a steel bolt shot through your skull.

I have come to a few conclusions.

1. If I get reincarnated as cattle, I hope I live in India.
2. If I get reincarnated as cattle, and it's not in India, I hope I have testes that drag on the floor.
3. I always thought the meat I ate was from the 'cows', not the bulls. Which solves the mystery of what they do with all the males....
4. I am going to swear off beef for the rest of the day. Or until my next meal, whichever comes first.

2002-11-21T22:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not very healthy. I think I've lost about 7 lbs in the past month. Perhaps I should eat more and do less appetite-supressing activities.

Grocery List...

Damn I'm a smart shopper. FoodMax rulez.....er....

2002-11-21T20:35:00.000-08:00

Update - Stop smoking?.......no. But I only have 3 smokes left in the pack, so maybe it ends there. Caffeine hiatus? For a day perhaps, but seeing as how I'm tired and it's only 8, and I need to studydudy tonite.....a pickmeup is probably in order. Saw the Leonid meteor shower the other night. It was cool for what it was. Apparently there's a lot of light pollution and it blocked out most of them. But there were a few that I wished on. The coolest feeling while standing alone in the backyard craning my neck up at the sky is knowing that at the exact same time, there's thousands of other kids that stayed up till 2:30 looking up at the same sky. Reminds me of that movie American Tale where Feivel sings that song Somewhere Out There and they're both looking up at the sky.

Jobwise, the bank project meeting has been postponed till Monday. Good I guess, gives me more time to prepare for it. Must figure out how to sell my self and look/act like I know what I'm doing rather than some wet-behind-the-ears noob. The flash project is still on hold, waiting for comments, though I've made a few offshoots using the same code. Getting some practice I guess. Exam next week, and I'm 2 months behind in the reading. Not to mention I still have 5/5 programs to do from the beginning of the year.

Had a job interview for Sam Goody at the mall today. Hopefully I can get this 'job'. Pays whatever, just need the cash for all the bills that are slowly but surely stacking higher and higher. Car insurance is farking expensive. It's a seasonal job, so may work out for the best and I can do full time school in Jan. Actually I should start looking for a Jan job right now, considering how much time it takes me to actually find one......crap.

On a side note, I miss funktion. They seem like they're having shmitloads of fun. Maybe I'll go visit in the spring.

2002-11-18T22:51:00.000-08:00

Drugs of choice

1. I need to stop smoking. Ferrealz. Granted, it has it's good points. It's relaxing, it gives me something to do during a break, and it seems to make me more alert when I'm feeling tired. The last point though, could also be attributed to the fact that I'm walking around and moving more than just my eyes and fingers. And the drawbacks? Hmm, let me count the ways..... The immmediate points at least - Smells bad. Stains teeth. Costs money. Kills brain cells. Addictive. Decreases lung capacity. Kills your throat. Causes cancer. And then there's the question of what's in them. I need to print out the list and staple it to my pack of smokes. So then why don't/can't I stop? Hmmmm....I remember the last time I decided to quit. After realizing I couldn't run a block without wheezing, I told myself no more. Then u have just one, since you're out and about, and it goes downhill from there. Ok after this pack I'll stop buying anymore. Save some money for a trip to the Midwest.

2. I also need to stop the caffeine binge. All it does is make me jittery and I gotta go to the bathroom a lot.And too much makes you naseous. But again it does have its good point(s). Like smoking, I'm more awake, but also like smoking, it will get addictive. Oh yeah, and the more you do, the more u need later. And then there's the crash. I think I'm about to crash. Not good.

So what are my alternatives? Lots of sleep? Healthy eating? Exercise? Strong religious belief? Yes, but all that takes effort. More effort than I can muster at this time. When I get my job/school/heart/life sorted out, perhaps then I'll be able to "enjoy the good life." Till then, pass the lighter and start another pot, cuz I got lots of work to do.

2002-11-18T18:27:00.000-08:00

Today is an auspicious day. For starters, the reminder on my Palm told me that today, had we still been together, would have been the 2 yr mark for our relationship. I totally would not have noticed had it not been for the reminder. Damn. But I feel good today. Jeremy said that he might have a hookup on a flash job at the bank. Things may be on the up and up. I guess this is the part where I need to 'catch the wave'. My wetsuit is on, and I got my board in hand. Just don't fall asleep or get distracted by the buxom brunette playing volleyball. This is your chance. Don't screw it up. I'm supposed to create something along these lines. Simple.

Thunder......thunder.......Thundercats...... Hoooooo !!!

2002-11-18T02:23:00.000-08:00

Whassup my dawg. "My dawg" referring to myself who I haven't written to in what 3 weeks? So before I whip myself for not keeping myself updated, this is what's been going on. Talked to Joyce after a month of trying to ignore her and get over her. Hmm...didn't work. Since it was her bday, it gave me a good reason/excuse to call her. In her drunken stupor, she says how much she misses me and still loves me. Then things get ugly and she brings up the 'past' with Cat. So I remember again why we broke up. I need a new start. Joyce was amazing, but now, without the love shroud over my eyes, I can see that we had too many differences/issues that would never let us be happy together. So as time heals all wounds, it shall heal mine.

On a happier note, I saw Harry Potter 2. 3 hours long it was. Damn. But quite good, if you've read the book. Follows it quite close.

And finally talked to AD today. After what 5 yrs maybe? Damn. She is a very cool girl. I miss talking to her, we had such nice 'convos' (i think that's what she useta call it?) Yp, it's time to start reevaluating things. She said something quite interesting. Something I will prolly work into my vocab as a sort of catchphrase/idea of sorts -

When you don't know who are your real friends and who are only your acquaintances, you only need to follow a simple rule of thumb. I shall call it the wedding rule. It goes as follows :

You ask yourself, if I were to get married right now, of the people you would invite, who do you know would for sure be coming to your wedding?

Though it sounds dumb, when you try it out, it actually has a lot of merit. I can only think of 2 or 3 ppl at the moment, which is just a tiny percentage of people I consider 'good' friends, and an infintessimal percentage of those I consider just friends or acquaintances. But those 2 or 3 persons, I know would be there for me whether it be my wedding or my funeral. It makes me feel content to know there are people(beyond blood ties of course) that I can trust beyond a shadow of a doubt to be there for me no matter what. And the amazing thing is, these people I don't even talk to all that much. Once a week. Once a month, if even that. But I know when we do talk, there's an unbroken bond that has not weakened from our time apart. How many 'friends' can I say that is true with? Not many. Time changes most of my good friends to just plain old acquaintances. Glad to have met those special ones.

2002-10-29T20:40:00.000-08:00

Wow, has it been a whole month since I've written? Mom, if you're reading this (which I hope you're not) I'm not dead. Just unemployed. Still. Well at least as far as the full time thing goes. But doing some freelance work for Jeremy sketchy old boss.

I hate working for ppl with bad reps. Who kows if they're gonna even pay me. Shit. Oh well. Beggars can't be.....and I'm skiddin rite now.... Need some real employement.....even if for $7 /hr........web design sucks.......

2002-10-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

So I went to my interview today, and I nearly passed out.Literally. The interview went fine, didn't even break a sweat. But then they took me for a tour of the facility. Sherryl hands me a pair of those papery things that you slip over your feet. So without bending down I slip the first one on. The goes the other. All of a sudden I get this massive cramp in my back from I guess stretching out to get the damn thing on. So for about a minute I have my left arm reaching over to try and massage the kink out. I try really hard to make it seem like I'm paying attention as Sherryl points out this room and that room.....I put my arm down in hopes that it's like lactic acid buildup, and it'll just wear off. And then it starts to hurt just a bit less, so I'm thinking, ok good. Wait, is it cold in here? She tells me that the temperature is about 65 degrees for the workers that are running around. But then I start to get this tingle in my body and my arm starts to get pinpricks. I touch my forehead and I realized I just broke into a cold sweat. And I think to myself when will she stop talking so I can get outside for some fresh air? The tingling increases and my eyesight starts to fade. It's strange at first, because I'm looking right at Sherryl, but she's darker. You know how when they do a scene change on tv, the tv fades slowly to black? That's exactly how it was, except shinier. Like I could see the tingling as bright spots, while everything was getting darker. I thought to myself, if I pass out now, this is totally gonna kill my interview. I could just imagine myself fully blacking out, and on the floor, and everyone freaking out. I started getting naseous at the same time, and just wanted to run outside and hurl.

Eventually she said the words that I was waiting to hear "Well I guess that's it. Do you have any questions?" I shook my head no, and we walked out of the clean room and she said she'd call me soon. I shook her hand and made a beeline for the door. And things slowly started clearing up. The numbness dissapated, and I could see clearly again. What a scare.

My theory is that I cramped a muscle by overstretching and then it pinched a nerve or blood vessel, which stopped blood flow to my brain and arm. Note to self : If you're in the car, don't strain yourself reaching for something in the backseat, lest u pass out and die. Near Near Death Experience #2. I'll mention #1 in a later post. Time to study for my JAVA II exam. yay.

2002-10-03T00:25:00.000-07:00

chiachi's theory on love and relationships numero dos

I think it's the second time I've read this blog and I thought hey, me and this girl have a connection. We seem to think the same. Maybe........ but then I realized that it's nothing 'unique' really. I know there are loads of ppl that must read this and think "Wow! She and I are in the same boat, we must be soulmates. Now how can I get to know her better?" In reality, most normal people think like this. Most people believe there more than one person in the world that's right for them. So why is it that I feel maybe we were meant for each other? That of all the people in the world, she could be a "the one"?

I think it's that I just want/need somebody to connect with. We look for similarities in people and then focus on it as though nothing else matters. And in a way, it doesn't. The differences you may have with the person you're in love with become 'quirks' that you learn to live with or overlook. "They're not perfect, but they're the one for me." And life can go on indefinitely like this. Until of course, one day you wake up and find out you're not in love anymore. Then those 'little' imperfections start to become not-so-little and next the you know, it's over. In a lifetime, "the one" will eventually become "the two" and "the three".

The point I suppose, is that one person( or event for that matter), will never be the greatest thing that has ever happened to you. It should be that that person/event is the greatest that's ever happened so far. Things may get worse until they get better, but they will always get better. So hang in there, me........

List of things to do tomorrow :
1. Interview for part time job at ChemTrace 1pm
2. Continue studying for exam at 6.
3. Take exam at 6.
4. Go clubbing (maybe) somewhere in SF
4b. (alternate) check out seedy little bar & darts place near school.

2002-09-30T23:23:00.000-07:00

If I knew then what I knew now, I would have chosen a major that can weather a financial depression and be broad enough to apply to a lot of the jobs out there. I remember 'laughing' at the kids majoring in psych, and sociology, but it seems that there's applications for that in places where my bio major is useless. Just about every job where there's human/human interaction whether they be customers or children, patients, or inmates, needs someone with background in that. And my point is?...........

2002-09-30T14:43:00.000-07:00

I realized that this blog format is really gay, so I should change it eventually. After I get a job. I think this has literally been the first time I've been out of the house during the day in a month.

"....going through some strange bout of depression with all the things going on.....they say the first step to getting cured is acknowledging the 'illness', yeah I took this "are you in depression?" test on msn.com and I passed. "

is what I wrote to Martin. So I'm at Chabot College looking at their employment opps, and pickings seem to be pretty slim. All the posting were from like a month and a half ago. apparently they'll redo all the postings tomorrow, so I'll be the first one in the door hopefully at 9am. There's only 1 folder with ALL the postings so I have to make sure I'm the first to bogart it or I'll be waiting hours to look at it.

So anyway, the jobs I've 'shown interest' in from the postings here are:

Circuit City Sales Associate
ChemTrace Lab Technician
Cal Bank Trust Administrative Assistant II
WomensRadio.com Web Designer

The latter sounds prime, and their website is crap(which is good for me) but its unfortunately unpaid. Maybe if I work at CC, I can get some discounts on tech stuff. But isnt the point of working to pay OTHER bills rather than just amass huge quantities of quickly-depreciating nut and bolts? Although I DO need a new llaptop........

I love life. 363 days and counting.........

2002-09-29T21:14:00.000-07:00

So I'm trying to get through my recent breakup, and maybe this is just an obvious thing that I don't know about but when you break up, there's always someone that is the hurted and hurtee right? I mean even in a 'mutual' breakup such as mine, I feel like she was the one that dumped me. Cuz she specified all the reasons why we shouldn't be together, namely the long-distance thing, and the fact that's she still young and can't see herself being with one person(me) for the rest of her life. Granted I 'agree' with all this, but the fact remains that these were issues that were present throughout our relationship. They're brought up as a reason now for us not to be together. Hmmm, maybe I'm just bitter. I just thought that being a 'mutual' breakup we'd both be ok about it.

I guess love is just one of those things that you can't really rationalize. Kinda like how there's no solution to the guys from mars, girls from venus thing. No matter how much time u spend, you will never understand the opposite sex. Perhaps it's the love that gets in the way.....

2002-09-29T16:42:00.000-07:00

So the wedding I went to last weekend was quite cool. Olive, my friend of 9 yrs that I met at a club in HK, was the bride. She's pretty fobby, and has a white fetish. Actually thinking back, when I met her she was asking about my friend Pierce(this huge redheaded monster of a guy), not me. Anyway, she's a nice girl. So she's married this guy who seemed totally cool, who she's only known for a few months. The thing I was most concerned about was whether or not he would treat her right, or beat her or be a druggie with no future.

So went for the weekend, and he seemed totally kosher. I was appointed the best man 5 minutes before the ceremony. It was a pretty slapdash affair, so it's not like a huge thing. About 20 or so ppl, mostly Ben's ( the groom) family. Olive didn't have anyone there, cuz she just moved from HK, so Alonzo (friend from hi-skool) and I were there as support. Anyway, everything seemed to go off without a hitch, and the happy couple would have happy mixed babies in the near future.Oh, this is in Indiana, by the way, which is a pretty small place, not much well known for it's huge Asian population.

So they've been husband and wife for nary a week, and Olive calls me up Tuesday and tells me that he has a court appointment tomorrow. Now she hasn't heard anything about this from him, so she(and I) assumed it's what, a trafffic offense or something. Nothing to worry about.

Next day, she calls me bawling and says that he's gonna be in prison for a year and a half. WTF right? Apparently, there was some incident 2 years ago where he was fingered as the person that planned this robbery or something, and the court appointment was his sentencing date. But the most fucked up thing is? He didn't tell her about it. She tells me that Ben told his parents that he told Olive but apparently he didn't. So your new husband of not even a week, all of a sudden is in jail for 18 months.

I remember when I was still there, we were sitting outside and I said "so what u guys doin for ur honeymoon?" He says "I dunno, we're definitely going somewhere soon." Hmm....well i guess It'll be a while before that happens. I just feel sorry for Olive. I mean she is totally justified in getting an anullment, since it's not like she knew this was gonna happen. If he had told her and she still got married, that'd be a different issue. Now she's gotta deal with not having him for 18 months, and even when he gets out, his felony conviction is gonna make it mighty hard for him to earn a decent living.

But she loves him. And won't leave him in his hour of need. Which I guess is quite honorable, but probably not the road I would take. I told her maybe it's better to just turn tail and run. It's a lot of baggage to handle. Especially when he just blatantly lied and didn't tell her what was gonna happen. But she says he treats her like a queen, and she really wants to be with him. So my support goes with whatever she wants to do. I tallk to her everyday now to see how she's doing and just to make sure she's hanging in there......

I guess when you think things are at it's worst, it puts things it perspective to know that things could be worse. That you have a lot of things going your way that you don't even realize. I mean it's sad that tings are happening to Olive, but she's dealing with them. I should deal with my situation then too. Find a job. Be something.

I don't believe in THE God, but I feel that there is A God, and he must be showing me that there's things I can control, and some things I can't. But it's up to me to get off my ass and do what I can. Olive sure is. I hope she ends up ok.

On a lighter note, I posted up all the pics from the wedding a few days ago. I told her to look at it. Maybe it'll make her happier.......

2002-09-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

So here I am. Attempt numero tres. It's 13:07, pacific standard time. My goal is to accomplish something. In exactly 365 days, I will look back at this post to compare what's changed and what hasn't. It'll be my own personal tmie capsule. Hopefully everything will have changed, because as I speak, there seems to be no where to go but up. And I'm not being optimistic. Using a racing analogy, it's like I'm in the Indy 500. Except instead of 500 laps, it's however long it takes till I die. The race had started two years ago when I graduated from college. Right now the track is wet, and because my major is unrelated to my career, I am running on racing slicks rather than wet treads. So pace is at a crawl.