Peaks and Valleys. I have a sneaking suspicion that I might be borderline bipolar, though I'm sure that a good portion of it can be be attributed to the situation around me. I just finished the exam for single class that I'm taking. I told myself last test I wouldn't fuck around, but you know what they say about history repeating? Didn't finish my program, after stressing 2 days about it, and getting about 4 hrs sleep because of it. I was supposed to get it the last day of class( today) but that didn't happen. I think that around five am this morning I was actually praying to God. I asked him not to let me be such a fuckup. I asked him to give me some motivation and self-control so I wouldn't have to spend anymore countless nights wondering what is wrong with me and why I can't even spend five minutes concentrating on my work.

But really, isn't it all just up to me? Do I not have the power to end my own self-loathing and replace it with something better, something happier? Like butterflies. Or rainbows. I mean if I assume God is just going to wave his magic burning bush and all of my troubles will disappear, the question is did he really do it, or is it something I've found inside myself to conquer. Without getting into a whole argument on theology, (and I have many a time), I think it all comes down to whether or not you believe.

My brother just got in from the airport, haven't seen him for a year. Yay. Three weeks of sibling bonding.....

I was working on that project last Friday and I was looking for streams to listen to on winamp.com. There was the usual drivel - top 40's, world's greatest love songs, technoallday. All have their own redeeming qualities, especially in small proportions, but to listen to it for a whole day and either you start getting repeated playlists, or it just gets really monotonous. What I stumbled upon, was, I think, one of the greatest, but underappreciated streams on the site. It was a low bandwidth voice-only stream for the entire third Harry Potter book. It was read by Jim Dale, some British guy, and he does the voices really well, you totally get into the story. I started the stream (which was already about halfway through the book) at 3pm, programmed the entire time, and finished it around midnight. And it was damn well worth it. What a great way to pass the hours and get work done at the same time.

A big two thumbs up recommendation to all.

Here is the stream. And here is the page it's on. I'm not sure if it plays 24/7 nonstop, but it prolly does.

Ugh, what a shitty last blog. I was really forcing myself to get it out. I hate it when that happens. It always turns out bad that way. Just got back from 8 hrs of retail. My boss seemed happy cuz I worked the customers really well and got them to pony up for all this "extra" stuff like memberships and warranties. I almost felt sorry for the people, but I guess it IS a deal, whether or not I think it is. It's becoming almost automatic and when I hawk the wares, almost as if I happily endorse it, even if it adds another $10 to their final price. C'est la vie. Somebody's gotta make money somewhere along the line right?

Work status :

Working retail job.......check.
Final changes on flash project, hopefully by tonight......check.
Called Sandra at the bank for hopefully another freelance project....in progress.
Called Fiona about yet another close to min. wage job / up to 30hrs/week, for the next semester .....waiting for a reply.
Study for exam Thursday....T.B.D.
Writing programs left undone for the whole semester by Thursday.....1 out of 7 done

It's gonna be a long week.

Yesterday's post

It's been raining for the past few days non-stop, running the gamut from light drizzle to heavy storms and back. I don't think I had seen the sun since Wednesday. I was sitting in the computer lab yesterday, doing what teaching assistants do when they have no one to help. The rain outside had just calmed to a light mist, and I see the professor leave the lab to go for a walk. A few seconds later, I see him through the glass doorsas he runs into the lab and tells me to come outside. I'm thinking "Is it a fight? Car accident? Flood perhaps? He seems excited so it must be good." When I got out there, he points up at the sky. I look to where his finger was pointing, expecting to see a bird or airplane, but instead, was pleasntly surprised. Up in the sky, in all it's technicolor glory, was a GIGANTIC rainbow. It just towered over everything, must've been like 50 miles long. And a few miles in front I saw where it ended, and I could almost imagine the shimmer from that proverbial pot of gold.

And then I got this feeling of calmness and serenity. I'm eight years old again. It's summer, and I'm playing out on the front lawn of our old house. The temperature is in the 100's and me and my brother are playing with the garden hose. I remember putting my thumb on spout and see a shimmering rainbow appear out of nowhere like magic. Young and carefree, with absolutely no responsibilty but to have fun. How simple life was then. I think on the next nice day, I'm gonna lie in grass, look at the clouds, and try to make out all those dragons and animals and faces that I used to see when I was 10 yrs old.