it's a bit slow here in class and i've put my 2 pennies into just about every recently posted blog i could find. but apparently martin beat me to it. :(

update : talked to yumi. she thanked me for opening up her eyes to her situation and indeed she was hung up on said ex. she said she'll start to break out of the mold she cast herself in and experience new things. score one for the gipper.

the eternal race, revisited

the struggle continues as i race down the highway. the ground isn't smooth, nor is it straight, but for sure it is narrow. a lot of the time i'm running down the median, but every so often, i veer towards the shoulder thinking i'm going to crash and burn. so far i haven't, but i am getting tired, my eyelids are heavy and the thought of self-destruction is always floating in the back of my mind. it's what keeps me awake. it's what keeps me from deciding that enough is enough and i don't want to run this race anymore. i don't want to be a quitter. i've never been a quitter. but my feet hurt. and i'm thirsty. i can't see what the finish line looks like, but if i keep running, it will eventually end. one way. or another.

i look to my side and i see people running beside me. they look familiar, but i don't know where i've seen them before. some of them are tall, some are short. i pass by some while getting passed by others. they all dress the same, dark blue nike shox, white bball shorts and a white jersey, with yellow trim. i look down and then i realize, they're me. they are what i want to be, they are what i could be. they all want to finish the race, but not all of them will. in the sea of thousands, will i be one of those unlucky few? or will i rise up to the challenge and live up to my potential?

the trophy at the end used to be for my parents, because they were the ones that got me running. now i see that they'll still be happy if i win the trophy for myself. and so will i. but to what ends will i go to achieve my goal? i must stay true to myself, but i also need to follow the rules. a fine line falls between what is right and what is not-so-right......

some days i run faster, with an extra bounce in every step. those are the good days. those are the days i hope will last until the the next sunrise. even when it doesn't i have to keep telling myself that it's just around the corner. when i stumble, when i fall, it hurts. it really hurts. i can ask for help; friends and family, family of friends, and help is there to get me back up and on my way. but help can only do so much. when i keep falling because of the same stone, the same crack in the road, it makes me lose hope because i have no one to blame but myself. for not seeing it the second time. or the third time. or all the times after that. who can i reach out to to show me the way to do it right? me. nobody except myself. learn from my mistakes and keep my eyes on the road. focus. there's always distractions along the way, but i have to put the blinders on. i have to finish the race. i have to come out on top. and i have to do in on my own terms.

More so than usual, I woke up today feeling more stupid. Could be attributed to 3 things.

Sleep - came back at 4am. But used to waking up at 6. Now my beautiful schedule is fucked. Again. Damn.

Drinking - Haven't done it in ages. Maybe I just notice the stupid feeling more so having not been so wasted in a while.

Cigar smoking - Tried it once before. It was a nice little cuban ditty that a friend brought back from Mexico. I don't feel like 'Ahhnold' when I do it. There's no mystique. Tastes like shit. Have to hold back and remember not to inhale. Makes me salivate like a dog and have to spit after every drag. All in all, an unpleasant experience.

What a great way to start a day.

At least it's sunny outside. 60 degrees. T-shirt weather. Midwest be jealous.

If you're ever working and you greet the customer "Hiya doin?" and the customer replies "Pretty good, how bout yourself?", don't answer with "Pretty damn tired. Been up since 6am, went to class for the past 8 hrs, and now I'm here, and my muscles are aching cuz it's the first time I've worked out in ages."

It usually doesn't solicit a response and you're left with an uncomfortable silence.

Sometimes it's better to mind your own business.

I was talking to my friend Yumi about how she's a vegetarian and how her whole family is trying to change her back to eating meat by cooking food with bits of meat in it that she justs ends up picking out anyway. She told me that it's her lifestyle now, and she is happy with it.

I asked her how she became a PETA-lover, and she said it started when she realized that her last boyfriend had not eaten meat for the three months that they had been going out. She adopted his diet, and now, even though they are not together anymore, she's still meat-free. Myself being a PETA supporter (People Eating Tasty Animals), I told her "bacon tastes good, pork chops taste good" and perhaps there's an underlying reason why she's vegetarian beyond the health and welfare aspects. As it turns out, she's still hung up on her ex, who is prolly going to marry the girl his is with at the moment, thus destroying any possibility of any future reconciliation with Yumi.

Putting one and one together, I said that perhaps her being vegetarian is related to the fact that she is not over him. Sometimes I do the same thing with the only ring I own that I wear once in a while. Like "leaving a candle burning" for the lover in hopes that they'll be able to see it and find their way home. This was of course something I pulled out of my ass without thinking, but amazingly, I struck upon something. She then proceeded to agree with me and get all depressed about him and questioning herself and her eating habits. To try and soften the blow, I told her that whatever she does, it's her choice, and as long as she's happy, she doesn't need to change for anyone. I don't think it helped much. The conversation then ended as she decided she was tired and wanted to go to sleep.

Morals of the story :

1. When someone's happy/content, don't question it even though you are only trying to think of something to talk about.

2. If someone is still trying to get over their ex, it's best not to delve too deep into their psyche and bring up ideas that they may not be proud of and definitely not ready to acknowledge.

Not missing out.

I told myself I was gonna watch the second part of American Idol the other day but I had to work, so I ended up missing it. I don't feel too sad about it though.

Now take another situation. Jeremy is going snowboarding this weekend. Should I go? Well, if I did, I know it'd be a lot of fun. If I didn't, I would feel like I missed out, but a week down the line, how much would that have affected me? Little to none.

Extrapolate that to anything you do in life. Going out drinking, parties, vacations..... what does it matter once it's all over? So I missed out on an event. After the small amount of initial regret, it's all just dust in the wind. There will be more parties, more opportunities to have fun right? I mean every time someone says it's the 'biggest party of the year', it means the next one should be bigger.

So what is the meaning of life? Being happy? Partying? What is the meaning of my life, or more accurately, what should I be doing now that goes beyond immediate gratification so that I can wake up one day and say "I would not change one thing in my life, it is perfect where it is and where it's going"?

Karma is real. For my new regimin, I've decided to start working out again. Perhaps by summer, I can be lean, mean, and not fat. Not that I despise fat people. I just despise fat. Particularly my own that I've accumulated over the past few years. I tried doing a few situps, thinking that it would be just like when I was in hi skool. And I think back to my not-so-skinny friend freeman who had a hard time doing 20 that he nearly didn't make the last 2. And I thought "They're easy. Even you should be able to pull off 20." And now I know how he feels. There's that extra piece of flesh that kinda gets in the way of a crunch that is just not conducive to doing one. Kinda like when you put your foot in the door to stop it from moving. That's how I feel. But then again, it could be attributed to me giving up on being buff a few years ago. Time and a decrease in metabolism has taken a toll and now it's time to take it back... Grrr.

Some pics to inspire me.