I've come to the conclusion that I don't have a good time at a club unless I'm wasted off my ass. Now there's a real dependancy issue. It seems that that's the only way to not be self conscious when trying to dance with a stranger. I was sober tonight. We left after some guy ran onto the dance floor and smashed a bottle over some other dude's head. Big brawl, we left, and watched 'Signs' over a glass of wine. No contest as to which half of the night was more enjoyable. It's a scary movie. Even scarier is the religious undertones permeating throughout the film. I'm in group 2, but slowly becoming more group 1-ish. I want to believe that I'm not alone, that things don't just happen by chance, that there's a reason for everything, to live in hope, not fear. M. Night is the shit.

Smoking sucks. It makes your clothes stink, your fingers stink, your breath stink and yellows your teeth really bad. So why do I still do it? I think it's the habit. Drinking and smoking just go hand in hand. But if I don't drink, I still smoke. Then it must be that I'm addicted. But when I'm not smoking, I can't stand the smell, especially on myself. This self-defeating behaviour is not healthy. What is healthy is for me to get a membership at 24-hour fitness and start going religiously. Five hundred for three years, but they might have that buy-one-get-one-free offer. If they do, I'm in.

At Moe's place typing this while he's mixing stuff up, predrinking for the night. One more for the road. Hopefully tonight will not be as depressing as last night. Maybe I'll meet someone nice. Maybe I won't. As long as I have a good time, who cares......

I am not a Californian. I am still lamenting the point after Martin had brought it to my attention. Having spent six of my 'growing' years in Michigan, I realize I am Midwest at heart. Also, I am still stuck using the college-style socialization technique that apparently doesn't really translate well in Cali. That technique would be to meet people at parties by being introduced to them through other people. In college, by the end of the first year you're there, everyone seems to know everyone else, which is all good. Here, especially at a club, it's a bit different.

I met up with Martin, whom I haven't seen in almost a year (doesn't feel like that long....or does it?) for dinner since he was in Palo Alto for some training session for work. We checked out a bar and a club with his two cousins. After a couple drinks and being bored attempting to dance with some random girls, I asked his cousin Evan how it was done. It starts with finding a target. This means pick the ones that came to dance as opposed to the ones that came to dance.....with themselves. Then you need the eye contact, either when they walk past, accidently brush into them or some other similarly cheesy trick to catch their attention. Then the hard part. Opening the mouth and saying "You wanna dance?" I guess that's when the instinct for self-preservation kicks in about being scared to get shot down and the like that can only be surpressed with increased alcohol consumption. And when all else fails, you can just grab them gingerly by the elbow, and pull them towards you.

So this is what Martin meant when he meant he didn't want 'to play around' anymore. And I was just thinking of the fun parts.

It was good to see a familiar face tonight in the normal sea of unfamiliar faces. Martin says there's some other old cats (Steph Liang?Irene?George?) that are floatin around the city that I didn't know about. Maybe I'll track them down and see if they still remember me.

I was cleaning my room tonight and I found one of those duty-free bags, inside containing a week old egg-tart that she brought for me back from HK. *sniff.

I'm not that hungry. Or desperate.

*sigh. work starts again. bbjinx is finally gone. it seemed like she was here for a whole week. we did a lot in 3 days.

we went karaoke. got a bit drunk and started singing all the songs at the top of my lungs while dancing on the table. lucky we had a private room. a sign outside the door specifically says no alcohol allowed in the room so we brought a little moonshine and spiked all the sodas. note to self : gin is strictly for mixing, not for taking shots.

we went to the san jose international car show. there was a little hottie there by the name of lexus. she made me swoon, but not by what she took off, what rather what she put back on. with the flick of a switch, her trunk opens seductively, and as if purpposely teasing all the onlookers, her hard-top slides up and out, cover her top. drool. not to mention seeing all the new benzes, porsches, lambos and hummers at the show. I even got to sit in a 350z and pretend I was driving. we went to moe's place, had a few drinks and played an intense game of scrabble and then left after realizing they had work the next day, and we didn't.

we went to sf, the embarcadero, and fisherman's wharf. sitting outside on the street eating a shrimp sandwich, shrimp plate, clam showder and lobster bisque; there is no greater pleasure. the fact that it was a weekday and the streets were almost devoid of people added to the laid back feeling of not having to look at your watch to check the time. It's nice to know you have the entire day to just chill and life moves at your own pace. kinda like that corona commercial where they're sitting on the beach. we went to pier 39 where we watched a street performer juggle flaming batons, and get out of a straitjacket while wrapped in a steel chain and padlocked, all while telling jokes and asking us for money. we went to dave&busters, a great non-family establishment. had some more drinks over pool and introduced her to the exciting world of shuffleboard. Like darts, it takes skill, concentration, strategy, and patience. But also like darts, it's a lot more fun after a few drinks.

so she's gone. and i miss her. and as much as told myself not to, i think i have a crush on her. i like how she's down to earth. i like how she has a certain innocence, but can also be not-so-innocent when she wants. and she's smart as a button. a girl that knows what she wants (read : confident) is the easily the most attractive attribute. if circumstances allowed it, i would definitely court her, but she is sadly unavailable. she is 1844 miles away, across 2 times zones, and goes to bed when it's only 9 here. to be with her could only lead to much unfulfillment, and an unsatiable hunger since I probably won't see her again til god knows when. but she'll always be in my mind as one of those 'what ifs'. what if she lived in the city? what if there was a chance? what if she were here right now? what if i were a 100 foot tall dragon that breathed fire? Some questions have no answers.........

8 days and counting till what i consider 'starting school' again. 3 classes + work + TAing. nose to the grindstone..........