Happy chinese new year. This day marks the 1 year anniversary of me coming to cali. Not exactly one year, but this is the first thing i remember from last year. It's very sad that the space shuttle columbia disintegrated this morning. I was reading about it, and the last time it happened(of the three total in the history of space exploration), it was in 1986 with the challenger. Now I still remember people talking about it(when the topic comes up) and how sad it was. They all remembered where they were when it happened, the importance of the event being up there like when lennon got shot. or when the twin towers crashed. this time though, i don't feel such a great sense of tragedy.

Granted I didn't even know that we had a shuttle in space at the time, i still feel that i should feel sympathy of some sort. Maybe the 'thrill' of space is no longer as important as it was 20 years ago. Maybe 'm just too worried about the economy and going to war for no particularly good reason. One of the things to point out in all the articles about the explosion is how they have, so far, determined that the shuttle accident was not due to terrorist intervention. I think that says it all. Our national space program is too far detached for me to be worrying about it. Although I do mourn for the families on what was supposed to be a celebratory day, as well as the billions of dollars lost which is just another hit to the economy. My panic will start when there are reports of dirty bombs, airborne anthrax, poisoned water supplies in my vicinity of the state. Till then, life goes on.

"Breathe" - by Telepopmusik It's a dreamy trance(?) number where the beats are kinda muted, and a girl repeats the same 10 words over and over. I've been listening to that track on repeat for the past 6 hrs. I dunno what it is about that song. It's so soothing when I listen to it, like a soft hand, caressing my cheek. Lay me down to sleep, and stroke my face while whispering sweet nothings in my ear. It sounds almost like a lullaby. And the girl sounds so alluring too, especially when you hear her breathing and kinda just letting the words slip out of her mouth. I bet she's really hot. Maybe. Wow, I'm turned out by this song. Which is especially surprising since there's no moaning or slapping sounds accompanying it....

I was sitting is statistics class and the girl sitting next to me asked "Do you understand all this?" and I replied "Yeah, it's just review....from hi school......like 8 yrs ago." She asked me when I graduated, I told her "95". She said she was relieved because now she doesn't feel so bad because she graduated in '94. She asked the same question to another kid, and he said it was hi-school review too, but from last year. I thought, hey, we have something in common. I asked her if she wanted to work on the homework later on in the day. She said she couldn't. She had to pick up her daughter. Ok.........similarities end there.

I'm thinking that at my age, I should be around where she is, married, with child, etc. That's what I had imagined when I was younger. I mean, that's the 'societal' norm isn't it? But now that I'm here, I see a slew of people my age as well as five years my senior that aren't even close to that stage yet. What does that mean? That the norm really isn't the norm? Is it just a bad economy thing? Is it a women's lib thing? Maybe just an urban environment where people start families later. I bet if I lived in Kansas or something, I'd have a wife and child by now.... working at the local hardware store......and go fishing and drinking beers every weekend by the pond.......

love doctor on call. that's how i feel after having every conversation this weekend be about relationships.

there was yumi's old problem and now her new predicament with a boy that she recently found out is not gay, and likes her, though she just wants to be friends. she went snowboarding with him, and he said "if you want to go boarding again, feel free to call me........also if there's anything else you feel like doing, feel free to call me."

there's cat who we spoke of how everybody, no matter how conservative, has needs, and whether dating does or doesn't mean looking for the person you think you might marry. her point was that every person you date should be seen as a potential or else there is no incentive to invest in the relationship. my point was that dating literally means a social outing, not hunting for your life-mate. the skills learned while dating is what gets you ready to catch the right one when they come along.

saturday was helping my middle-aged teacher, who's class i'm ta'ing, to break up with his girlfriend who's at that point in her life where the biological clock is ticking double-time and starting negotiations about moving in with him. he was never feeling the relationship anyway and she is getting too serious too fast. planning a year ahead about what they're gonna be doing after only dating for a few months would scare off anybody. he didn't know how to break it to her, so i suggested a loaded question to broach the topic. "so how do you feel about us?"

des messaged me a few hours ago asking about whether some guys are giving her signs that they want to be with her even though it seems like she's doing everything she can to show them that she is head over heels for her boyfriend. Ploys ranging from 'conveniently' bringing an extra sweater if they're cold to giving her a 5am wake up call without being asked to. one of sneakier and more subtle ones involved describing his perfect girl, but only a few days prior, giving those same attributes about des in another conversation.

all these situations are different, but they are all the same. this commonality transcends gender, age and relationship experience. it reinforces the fact that love is blind and it's never where you want it, and it always where you don't want it to be. it's all just a game. there's rules to be followed, and they're totally different for both teams. Therein lies the reason for all problems. If we both played by the same book, you'd always know who was right or wrong. But here, it's apples and oranges. And add to that the emotional obstacles that occur in all games and it's like trying to fight your way through a maze blindfolded with your hands tied behind your back hopping backwards on one leg. No wonder people need advice when they're in a relationship. But when you're not the one in the relationship, everything's so clear. It's like couch-refereeing when u're watching a ball game. without the pressure to make the call, it's always easier to see what really happened.

in a nutshell : women are too sensitive. men are pigs. can't we all just get along........but then what fun would that be?