One less thing to worry about. I got my boxes back. My sweet beloved boxes which were sitting at my ex's place in Michigan for the past year. Left there when I came to Cali to pursue a new life. That was the last thing I had connected to her. Now I can be free and not have to suffer nightmares of my boxes being thrown off the 18th floor in a fit of jealous rage/revenge. The only caveat is that since I had them there for a year, there wasn't anything deathly important in there, so I may end up throwing 1/2 the stuff away, and after paying 200 clams to send them here. Over 100lbs worth. Prolly all sentimental stuff in there.

I was surprised to realize that, after receiving my boxes, they had conceived a child. I remember the 2 U-Haul boxes I put my stuff in, but there was a third white one from USPS. Seeing as it was different from it's parents, it was either a bastard child, or shipped incorrectly. The label was correct though, and I realized what it was. It was probably the box of 'our' stuff that she was giving back to me. How nice of her.

I knew there was nothing of great importance in the boxes I fathered, I was eager to see what treasures were hidden in mystery box #3. Ripping it open like an eager child on Christmas, I paused for a second. Unlike Christmas, this box could contain anything. Besides the basic pictures and stuff, there could possibly be something I would never think of. It could contain all our pictures we ever took, and everything I ever gave her. I think that would have hurt more than anything else and on so many levels. On the other side, it could be something retaliatory, like a big rotting steak, or something similarly evil, to testify without words how she still thinks of me. Being a pessimist means you are never surprised by the worst because you are expecting it. So I take a sniff, and after confirming the absence of rancid meat, I open it up.

It contains:

- some old clothes of mine she used to wear
- my old Funktion shoes
- a 1st generation GameBoy
- a NeoGeo Pocket that I gave her
- 3 stuffed animals
- a bag of dice
- a bag of safety pins
- a House of Pain tape, copyright 1992
- a staple gun
- Mario Kart for GBA + manuals
- a cash box with random coinage

It also contains 2 other things. One of them is my blanket. My blanket? My velvety, soft, red, striped terrycloth blanket that I've had since the beginning of school. My favoritest blanket. There was this time last summer when I went back to HK, and she said whenever she was sad, she'd wrap herself in my blanket, think about me and be able smell my scent on the blanket as if I was there. So I let her keep it after I moved here cuz I knew we were gonna see each other again soon, and eventually get married. I guess it's just dumb luck that she either really didn't want it at her place, or she didn't know how much it meant to me.

The other thing was a letter from her. Having not talked to her in 3 months, I was anxious to see what, if anything, she had to say. Our last 3 convos started out great, but about 5 minutes into every conversation, it degraded into a arguing-fighting-as-if-we-were-still-going-out dialogue. From a how-are-you-doing to a i-still-won't-ever-forget-how-you-made-me-feel. So I tear it open and read it. It reads pretty light, like one of those friends that you have known for a long time but never got to know well. Definitely a hugging friend, as opposed to a handshake friend, but not the type of hug that says "Damn, I am SO glad to see you, missed you while you were gone", more like "Hey, it's been a while, how you been?" A little bit distant, and the letter ends with "If you ever leave the country or anything, let me know =)"

It was not what I was expecting, but would it have been any better whether I expected more or less? I don't think so. I know we can't/won't be together again, but I still get get that fuzzy warm feeling of the times we did spend together. I liken to having my heart be composed of multiple compartments. It houses all the loves/lusts/longings of every girl I've ever known in separate drawers that are lined up in rows stretching out into infinity. New rows get added all the time, and I move on past the old rows, but I know they'll always be there, and I can go back to them every once in a while when I need the comfort in remembering that the world is more than just a cold, dark, lonely place.

~song playing on extended repeat - "Lullaby" by Shawn Mullins

There's this new reality show coming out called Married by America. They take 10 strangers, pair them up(chosen by the viewers), and give them 6 weeks to plan their wedding. It's a slippery slope that I see us falling down. Eventually I can see us hitting something sharp, putting an eye out, and then that will be the end of the Bachelor-Fear-Factor-Survivoresque era of television. I can totally see them taking the next relationship series into the next realm, with a 'Finding Your Fuck-Buddy - Casual Encounters'. A group of people meet and have a giant orgy, but the catch is they're wearing masks. After sex they all go on dates, and try to figure out who was the one with the longest endurance, or who farted during orgasm. 6 months later, a follow up show called "Who's Yo Baby's Daddy? - Reunion Special" will be airing but by then, nobody will want to watch that because they'll all be watching that show where - they take 10 strangers, pair them up(chosen by the viewers)........and have kids. Experience all the trials and tribulations of morning sickness, mood swings, and 16-hr marathon childbirth. Don't forget to watch the special episode where they get to choose the sex of their child which will be shown during the sweeps.

I can't wait.

*counting up spare change to save up a vcr*

Searching for answers. In a brief moment of lucidity last night, I made another step of progress in my own self-discovery. I call it my personal universal theory of everything. Blatantly stolen from the scientific version of the same name, my hope is that this theory can explain my life, everything in it and how I should live it. It should explain and control everything that I do, allowing me to grow spiritually, intellectually, and financially. Sort of like the ten commandements of my life. As simplified as it sounds, I feel that there's an answer out there, a grand panacea that will solve all my problems. Almost like a plug-and-play scenario. Some of the issues it will address are:

1. Body/Mind - The flesh is weak, but the mind is strong. Is it strong enough to overcome any obstacle, no matter how great? Or will I snap one day and just start showering everyone in the classroom with 9mm steel tips? I can make my urge to smoke go away if I think about it hard enough. I can stay awake all night and do work if there's a deadline in the morning. But the question is, can I still do the same thing, make myself feel the same way, if there is no deadline?

2. Soul - There's something missing in my life. Sometimes I think it's because I don't have a female counterpart to make me complete. Which is just bullshit. As happy as I am when I am with them, they are the (and I know this is a shit simile) air - conditioning in my car.....I don't have a/c in my car. As luxurious and comfortable as it would be when I need it, I can live without it. Life still goes on. So I turn to myself. If I was Xtian, I'd ask Jesus for help. But unless that Jesus has a last name, I don't think I'd be meeting him anytime soon. Maybe the answer lies in Buddhism, like the zen master being totally at peace with everything.

3. Time - It doesn't stop.... but you can make it count. A tired cliche, I know, but one that is heard and rarely done. Time optimization is the issue. Reading faster? Doing faster? Sleeping less? Priority of issues? I think the answer is out there and I just haven't stumbled onto it yet.

I think all the answers are in front of my face, but I just don't realize it. Now, at least I know there are questions. The next step is to find out what those questions are, and I can just feel that once that is done, all the pieces will just come together.

Slumber party. It sure is fun falling asleep in class. The teacher is my spirit guide and when I hear his words, I think about something and before I know it, I'm dreaming. Then I abruptly wake up, scared that I did something stupid while I was asleep like snore, drool, fart, or anything else that would make it seem like the teacher's voice is nothing but an intense tranquilizer dart.

Things I fell asleep in class doing today:

- writing a word that the teacher is saying, dreaming about writing that word, only to wake up and find it's :
a. a completely different word ~ 4 times
b. only half written and then a line trailing down the page ~3 times
c. it's totally illegible but at the time it seemed fine ~ 4 times
- pen pressed against the forehead as though in deep thought rather than deep sleep ~3 times
- head nod - like a narcoleptic, catching yourself just before it's too obvious you're dozing ~10 times
- head nod #2 - more like a 1/2 slacked version, sucking up the drool before it drips on my pants ~2 times

Lucky I technically only had 1 full class today, since the other 2 I had exams in. Thus one of the excuses for staying up all night. I forgot how hard it is to stay awake when you're sitting down in lecture. Pre and post-lecture is fine since you're walking around, but once the teacher starts talking, it's like someone putting a plastic bag over my head and I can't control myself as I slowly asphyxiate under the monotonous drone. It's just like how all the teachers talk in Charlie Brown. Wawaaawaawaaa waa waaawawaa. You hear it, but it doesn't really mean anything, and all you can do it copy it down in hopes you can later on, when you study for the midterm, you can decipher what they said as well as the secret language you yourself scribbled it in.

And now I get to go to work. Woop-dee-fucking-doo._---_____----

Focus. That's what I am right now. It's funny cuz my eyes actually seem to be seeing things sharper right now, instead of the normal hazy shades of not-paying-attention-to-life. After 2 weeks of pondering my program, I finally figured out why it wasn't working. The realization hit me like a fucking lightning bolt from the sky. After putzing around for an hour, typing in random code, it all of a sudden just came together. Twas definitely one of those "holy shit" moments. And then in hindsight I realized what a stupid mistake I made before.

Moral :

You don't notice that you have a fat ass until someone points it out; then you spend the next hour looking in the mirror trying on pants that look slimming.

~written at 3:40am.....