Morning. I think I have completed the transition into a complete dork. Let me elaborate. At times, I do things and say things that elicit the reaction "Man, you're suck a dork". For example, at work, when employees leave the premises, that must have someone 'check them out', i.e. look through their stuff and their person to show they're not stealing anything. So anyway, the girls are like "I need someone to check me out", and then I'm like "I'll check you out" while eyeing them up and down like a piece of grade-a ribeye. We also have these walkie talkies that we use to page the manager when there's problems with a customer or whatnot. And every so often I page them, they say "whatchoo need?", and I say "Oh nothing, just wanted to see how you were doing, if everything was goin alrite with you."

But the keystone in the bridge that solidifies my existance as a dork comes in the form of a dream I had. Now dreams are supposedly a window into the mind, the subconscious, where your deepest desires are realized and not hindered by what society says or held back by the voice of reason known to many as the conscious mind. So although, you can't believe everything that happens in a dream ( like those three girls I picked up in the bar and after one kiss, they all were fighting over me, and only wanted to use me for my body), I feel it is an indication of hidden angsts or feelings that are normally surpressed. Although the dream I just had is fuzzy in a lot of places, there is one thing that is clear to me. In it I was playing Scrabble.

It's actually quite strange how it occurred. From the pieces I still remember, there was this deja-vu feeling about it. I was walking with a group of people down the street of what I surmise to be downtown San Fran, I remember walking along the pavement, passing the buildings, but when I passed the buildings, I specifically remember passing those buildings before, like I had passed those buildings in a dream I had just five minutes prior. That's the deja-vu part. I remember bumming a cigarette and smoking it. We were walking downhill and passed a large building with huge windows and high ceilings, like the kind they have at diners, where you can see everything on the inside, from the tables arranged in a row, to the bar-style seating arranged in an L-shape along one side of the wall. It was totally empty and there wasn't a soul in sight. Somebody mentioned that it was a gay club after hours, and when we passed by it, there were scores of people lined up outside in broad daylight waiting to get in. Jump to being inside and I was playing scrabble with Moe, we were in an intense match, scores were very high, perhaps an all time record. Tension was high, the game was almost over, and I remember picking up a tile and looking at it, twirling it around in my hand, trying decide how to best destroy any chance of Moe coming back and beating me. The piece was either a K or L. The rest is hazy but it involved a SWAT team, a bomb threat, and everyone filing up to the register counter to get their bags searched, and I was the only one with his hands still raised in the air.

Dreams are strange. I'm a dork.

bbjinx will be here tonight. What is there to do in the evening besides clubbing? Err......S-c-r-a.........no.

Today I woke up.

TV is the devil. I think I'll tape some plastic horns on it to acknowledge the point.

bbjinx is coming to visit tomorrow. She wants to do chill stuff. i.e. not clubbing, and hopefully not shopping. I hate shopping. Perhaps we can go check some new places in the city. Just get lost and see what we find. That sounds like fun.

And if all else fails, we can always just go shoot some stick at the Metreon.

I feel that perhaps I shouldn't have any days off from work. It just totally screws up my schedule and I fall back into that laziness that is so hard to get out of.

2 circular arguments I had yesterday a.k.a. snake eating its own tail -

1. Faith - You need faith to believe in god. If you pray for something to happen and tell god you'll do anything if only it would just happen, and then it doesn't, apparently it doesn't mean that god does not exist or you weren't special enough for him to hear your prayers. It means that he had a purpose for not letting it happen. And you have to have faith that he didn't answer your prayers. So you must have faith to believe that god will help you, but you must also have faith to believe that god won't help you when you asked him to.....

2. Trust - To be content in a relationship, you should trust the person (from cheating or the like) until they they start to show signs that you should do otherwise. But if they start to show signs, doesn't that mean it's already too late, and you have already passed that point where you should have trusted them anyway?

Now that I've checked other ppl's pages, I don't feel so bad for not blogging during this vacation, cuz no one else did either. Ha, I laugh at all of you. ha. I laugh again, but with less gusto.

Ok let's try this again.

Post-New Years Resolution

From now on, on every non-special i.e. 'normal' day where life just 'goes by', I will......

1. force self to blog each day - I should be blogging everyday as a record of my life so that it doesn't just pass me by. I don't want to be sitting in the same place one year from now and wondering where that year went. I'd rather have a history of accomplishing little to nothing than have it seem like it 'never existed at all' (spooky music playing in the background). No matter how insignificant, stupid, or minute, I shall not miss more than 1 day of blogging. If circumstances do not allow me to be in front of a computer for that day, it will be recorded, and transcribed at a later date.

2. correspond with two people from my past life. This includes phone calls (15%), and IMing(15%) but will mainly center around email (65%), and for some few lucky summamabitches, snail mail(5%). I have been thrusted into the part of the world known only as northern California, where 99% of the people I know aren't living in. All those people that have meant something in my life have all been scattered by the four winds and lost in their own thunderstorm of worries. I will be that silver lining that brightens up their day, to let them know that 'hey it could be worse' and thrust all my issues upon them so their worries will seem insignificant in comparison. Also, I hate it when people contact me(and vice versa) after forever and a day, only when they need something. This way, they are all pleasantly surprised when I contact them WITHOUT asking for something. A little something I like to call "Pay It Sideways".

3. complete one task. I will clear out one wall (err....closet door) and stick post-it notes on them, each with something I need to do. Some of those things will be small (like putting away my laundry that's been sitting, folded in the basket for the past 2 days), others bigger (like reading that how-to-photoshop book cover to cover like I said I would 4 months ago), and some seemingly impossible (finding happiness, direction, a girlfriend) . No matter. The post-its will grow like a fungus, I can already see it happening, but at least I won't forget to do something. And I WILL do one of those things each day.

And that my friends, is my patent pending 3-step guide to getting my life on track.