for the time being I've switched over to the darkside. I'm paying $25 to be a xanga whore. please update your links as such. thank you and have a nice day.

I'm trying to believe that one day, when I die, God will ask me....

"It matters not what sins or kindness you have committed, my son. I have but one simple question to ask you. If you can answer this question, then you will be admitted into heaven and spend the rest of eternity in happiness and bliss."

"Yes God, I will answer anything to be able to enter the house of the Lord."

"Very well........Remember how that one day you were trying to write your program for your data structures class? Please tell me how to implement a linked stack to perform a preorder traversal of the tree without using recursion."

"You first have to.....uh.....uh........crap."

And that, my friend, is why I have to stop shitting around and continue studying. Well, that and the fact that I have 2 exams(again) this Wednesday. God is merciful, God is powerful, God has a funny sense of humor.

The night bled into the late morning, coagulating into a state of confusion as I went from unrestful sleep to restless wakefulness. It's difficult to descrie the sense of dread as you remember that time neither stops nor slows down when you fall asleep but slowly ticks away. Like a terroristic bomb, you're one step closer to indiscriminate destruction, but unaware of the exactly when or how fierce the hurt will come. I'm five years old again, I just broke my mother's favorite vase, and I'm waiting for the sound of the garage door opening to signal that she's come home.

My boss dangled the carrot of upward mobility in my face again today. Movement that was strongly hinted six months ago and was supposed to come to fruition halfway between then and now. I feel as if I might have insulted her, or in the least, worried her when I showed a complete lack of emotion. But how can I be expected to feign excitement when the reality of it is that the position itself may not even materialize for months? Why would I want to be promoted upwards in a job that was originally only supposed to last the better end of the holidays and pays just enough to afford me extra sprinkles on my dollar-menu sundae at the end of the month? For fuck's sake, without coming off sounding high and mighty, I'm better than this....this....situation. I swear to God if I get promoted, I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to pour myself a shot of concentrated sulfuric acid from my newly bought car battery that I could hardly afford, toast it to my new position, and bottoms up to the consequent future it entails. Chase it with a lemon wedge, both to mask the taste and add insult to injury. Sit back, relax, and wonder why the burning sensation doesn't secede while dreaming of the days when the fruits of happiness were not so hard to come by.

Floating back to a steadily loosening grasp of my-so-called reality, there were fortunately two glimmers of dark tunnelled light casting shadows on my otherwise cold and rainy fri.....day.

3:21PM - During the tail end of my lunchbreak, I was outside puffing on a square and a small old lady, you know the kind with the big overly curled white old lady hair walked out the door. She must have been at least 70 or 80, and was on her way to the car with her friend, also of similar age and stature. As she got closer, I could see the deep, deep wrinkles on her face, signs of the long road she was walked down. I assumed she would walk right past me, ignoring me because of her disposition towards young hooligans, loitering around, smoking cigarettes and looking for trouble. Instead, she looked at me from her weathered face with a pair of striking crystal blue eyes, said in a quiet old lady voice "Hello.", and cracked the the nicest, most sincere smile that I have seen in a while. It was one of those fancy full face smiles, enhanced by the lines on her skin and you could tell that she was really feeling it, not just being a passing courtesy. It was all I could do to blurt out a weak "Hi." as she passed by, going about her old lady business.

9:36 PM - Duckie called me while I was studying at Borders. There was a lot of noise in the background and I assumed she was at a club or something. She said she was doing sound setup for some big 3-day rock concert going on in Nashville. She was standing just offstage and was totally stoked because at that very moment John Mayer was performing his set on stage. She then held the phone out and let me listen to a live rendition, complete with screaming audience, of "Your Body is a Wonderland". The quality of cell-to-cell reception was horrendous and I could only just make out the tune, let alone the words, but I would say that being at a concert "almost-firsthand" is "almost as good" as being there in person. The novelty of it is, at least. Fangs again Duckie.

red bull is my new saviour. although it still couldn't save me from passsing out for 5 hrs last nite. now i can kiss my program due today....goodbye.

Through my keen lack of foresight, and also as a testament to my academic acuity, I just found out today that we have a pop exam in two days. Not a quiz, mind you, but an exam. Technically, the 'pop' classification is only relevant for me because the rest of the class knew it was coming. Most likely because the attend class regularly. Had I been the prodigal student, I would have been ready for it the first week of school. This is a test. This is only a test. I only have five hundred other things I need to get done on Wednesday as well, so what's another exam? I keep telling myself that if it doesn't kill me it makes me stronger, but if I don't ace this test, it will be the life of me.

Sometimes I think that I am devolving. All the things I learned in school is no help at all with my studying habits today. It's as if the student portion of my being was sloughed off right after I graduated like the layers of epidermis on a second-degree burn victim at the ICU. And it will never heal. Without laying blame on the increase in responsibilities that goes along with getting older( which can be simply summed up as 'paying the bills') I feel that there is a simple, albeit unattainable, solution.

The answer is based on the the old world invention known as a chastity belt. I need to find a mental version that keeps my mind in check and doesn't let it focus off the task at hand.

I remember in first and second grade, every semester, the teachers wrote the same things on my report card. "Jason has a lot of potential, but he is a daydreamer." It's not even been two decades and already my life is coming around full circle. Perhaps the circle could also hark a new beginning? I need horse blinders or a perscription to Ritalin. I have no doubt that I suffer from a documentable illness that borders on (in descending order of severity) ADHD, OCD, mood swings and multiple personality all at the same time.

oops. she does it again. gah, i'm so attracted to that girl. after having another drink with her after work and finding out that she's more than just a very pretty face, she has substance. currently though, her abundance of male suitors, as well as her current beau, precludes me from any chance i have to take in that direction lest i cross that not-so-fine line between friend and fiend. i enjoy the fact that we can be comfortable with each other, both fully conscious and aware that there exists a mutual attraction. An attraction that, unfortunately, is just that; a flirtatious exchange of glances and compliments, that can't lead to anywhere but a mild sexual frustration at the night's conclusion.

again, maybe a large part of the reason i am drawn to her is the fact that i can't have her. it's the old adage of grass being greener on the other side. i know that since she is, at this moment, unavailable, there is no pressure to impress, no reason to sweat, and whatever I say doesn't affect at all the chances that I have with her. The cadence of my conversations have little bearing and I can say whatever strikes my fancy, knowing full well that some of it will be misinterpreted and may surprise or offend.

I reason with myself that I am already fully engaged with other, more important things, to occupy my time and thus should have no need or want for another distraction(in this case, of the feminine variety) to jockey for the few hours I have left in the day. But alas, the carnal animal in me still pines for the company and intimacy that nothing but another individual brings into the picture. I am still an ape, and still somewhat of a social creature.

I regret the one mistake I made when I told her to start up a blog, and that was that not only did I point her in the direction of xanga.com, but inadvertently gave her this blog address as well. Ideally, she will have lost the address to this blog, and i will still have a safe bastion to write about people who will never realize how i think of them. realistically though.........hi L, see you at work.

I woke up today and I thought I was dead. I mean when you fall asleep at night, do you really know if you're gonna wake up the next day? "As I lay me down to sleep...." I'm thinking, if I am still dreaming, I wouldn't really be able to tell would I? I mean if I know I'm lucid dreaming, I can make myself fly or do other things that transcend scientific explanation. But if I don't even know, how can I test it? If I prick myself, it will still hurt because it's supposed to hurt, not because it's real.

Perhaps I've died long ago, and this dream is everlasting. It's a story that will go on forever. Does it make things less real? Does it make things less important? Yes. It does. So what does anything matter anymore?

I don't know how the war is going. I stopped watching 4 hrs/day of news 2 days ago. I have a short attention span. I need focus. Yes. focus.....when we get hit with something I'll prolly start watching again. The pneumonia thing scares me tho. In a way more than iraq.

work still sux.